The Love of My Life
I was in a love relationship with Ron, my first husband, for fifteen years, from our senior year in high school through our early thirties. It felt like we escorted each other through late adolescence into adulthood. He was my first love. We were together for some major changes in our lives; deaths of family members, national crises, health scares, a military draft threat, and other personal changes. I felt he was the first man in my life who really saw me for who I was, appreciated, respected and loved me. It was an era in which we could create a marriage of equals, which was a new concept at the time.
Alas, our legal relationship eventually ended. A few years after we parted, we fashioned a new connection and held gently to a friendship right to the end. So even though we’ve not been together for quite some time, his death still feels like a significant loss. For that reason, I’m interested in pursuing, in this brief reflection, more of the meaning and breadth of a Love of One’s Life. For ease in writing, from now on, I will abbreviate Love of One’s life as LOOL! (not “laugh out loud,” but better!).
What does a LOOL look like?
In our culture the LOOL is usually seen as a romantic relationship of marriage or partnership over a long period of time. A beautiful but limiting definition, in my opinion. So, if we don’t have that kind of long-term love relationship, we often feel shame, guilt or failure. I’ve seen many people beat themselves up for not having that ideal love.
Let’s explore what a LOOL looks like. I’ve already cited seeing us, loving us, valuing us, and respecting us. I think there is also a mysterious part to the relationship, like a sixth sense that makes us feel deeply valued and touches a deep place within us—perhaps beyond words. We feel safe with our LOOL, yet we may also feel challenged to take ourselves more seriously or to be more than what we imagined we could be. This LOOL leaves a lasting impression just by the experience. We sense a freedom when we are in this kind of relationship. The relationship can be short lived or long embraced. We want to reciprocate our love back to our LOOL and that in turn deepens our own self-worth. We become dedicated to our Love, and we may willingly sacrifice for it. Essentially, we gain significant life-giving meaning in our lives through the LOOL.
What other loves could be included in a LOOL?
Given what I’ve described above, and to expand our consciousness, what other kinds of relationships, activities, events, or places could become LOOL’s? Let’s start with pets. Now there’s a LOOL for sure. And how about particular music, the Holy, children, art forms, BFFs, a special kind of work, experiences like pilgrimages, a home as a sanctuary, sports, nature, hobbies, grandmothers/fathers, coaches, teachers, confidants, platonic love relationships, a special skill. The determining question would be whether the experience or person or place reflects the characteristics of a LOOL.
Why does it matter to have a LOOL?
If one has a LOOL, it adds a unique dimension to life that nothing else quite approximates.
And can, as I suggested, give life-giving meaning to our lives. LOOLs are available to everyone.
Is having a LOOL necessary?
No, I don’t think LOOLs are necessary. One can be happy and healthy without having a LOOL. Truly. Partly because we don’t know what it would be like to have one, so it may not be missed. We’re OK if we don’t take on shame or guilt because of not having a LOOL.
What happens when we lose our LOOL?
All things, relationships, events, experiences, places end up as losses eventually. It’s the nature of things. So, when we lose a LOOL, it can be a deeper loss because we have invested more in the relationship. But we would not feel such loss unless we had such a love. It’s still loss but more bittersweet, with the understanding of the meaning that it brought. Yet it leaves a love hole in our hearts. I think we don’t give enough credence to the grief over loss of pets, skills, identities, etc when we experience those losses.
What about when LOOLs runs amuck?
All LOOLs can run amuck. You’ll know it has run amuck if you or your LOOL become obsessive, addictive, or abusive. Or if your LOOL totally controls your life or you revert to martyrdom to retain your LOOL. Those experiences are no longer LOOLs. The love has ceased to be love and causes harm to self and others. It is no longer life-giving.
Can you have more than one LOOL?
Yes, I believe we can have several LOOSs, and it may be healthy to do so. It’s not a requirement but a life-enhancing experience. We may have one outstanding LOOL because it happened at a particular time or mended us in significant ways. Yet there can be other LOOLs that are less significant but equally satisfying, inviting us into new areas of our lives we may have never considered. May it be so.
What are ways to cultivate LOOLs?
We can cultivate LOOLs by naming the ones we have and being grateful for them. We can notice if we are becoming a LOOL for someone else and lean in, if it feels life-giving. We can be on the lookout for the things, events, people we have not been fully aware of, for what they might bring us as LOOLs. If a person, place, experience or presence in our lives resonates with what I’ve described above we may already have LOOLs that we had not named as such. Wouldn’t that be a pleasant surprise and something to be grateful for? It happened for me as I wrote this essay.
What are my LOOLs?
I wrote about my first one, my kind husband. And as I was writing this, it dawned on me (duh) that writing has been another LOOL for me. It fits all the criteria and brings me joy. I would also include my spiritual life and intimacy with the Holy as a LOOL. Several intimate friendships also quality for me. Add trees, rivers, and herons! Oh, and baseball!! Now, I’ve come to define a LOOL as any place or person or experience that brings forth what I call a “heaven on earth” experience. In conclusion, one of the gifts I received from this sad time of loss, was the discovery that by naming my first LOOL, I have also found or noticed several others.
A few reflective questions for you, dear reader
What are your LOOLs? How have they influenced or changed your life?
Janet O. Hagberg, 2025. Please pass this along.
Alas, our legal relationship eventually ended. A few years after we parted, we fashioned a new connection and held gently to a friendship right to the end. So even though we’ve not been together for quite some time, his death still feels like a significant loss. For that reason, I’m interested in pursuing, in this brief reflection, more of the meaning and breadth of a Love of One’s Life. For ease in writing, from now on, I will abbreviate Love of One’s life as LOOL! (not “laugh out loud,” but better!).
What does a LOOL look like?
In our culture the LOOL is usually seen as a romantic relationship of marriage or partnership over a long period of time. A beautiful but limiting definition, in my opinion. So, if we don’t have that kind of long-term love relationship, we often feel shame, guilt or failure. I’ve seen many people beat themselves up for not having that ideal love.
Let’s explore what a LOOL looks like. I’ve already cited seeing us, loving us, valuing us, and respecting us. I think there is also a mysterious part to the relationship, like a sixth sense that makes us feel deeply valued and touches a deep place within us—perhaps beyond words. We feel safe with our LOOL, yet we may also feel challenged to take ourselves more seriously or to be more than what we imagined we could be. This LOOL leaves a lasting impression just by the experience. We sense a freedom when we are in this kind of relationship. The relationship can be short lived or long embraced. We want to reciprocate our love back to our LOOL and that in turn deepens our own self-worth. We become dedicated to our Love, and we may willingly sacrifice for it. Essentially, we gain significant life-giving meaning in our lives through the LOOL.
What other loves could be included in a LOOL?
Given what I’ve described above, and to expand our consciousness, what other kinds of relationships, activities, events, or places could become LOOL’s? Let’s start with pets. Now there’s a LOOL for sure. And how about particular music, the Holy, children, art forms, BFFs, a special kind of work, experiences like pilgrimages, a home as a sanctuary, sports, nature, hobbies, grandmothers/fathers, coaches, teachers, confidants, platonic love relationships, a special skill. The determining question would be whether the experience or person or place reflects the characteristics of a LOOL.
Why does it matter to have a LOOL?
If one has a LOOL, it adds a unique dimension to life that nothing else quite approximates.
And can, as I suggested, give life-giving meaning to our lives. LOOLs are available to everyone.
Is having a LOOL necessary?
No, I don’t think LOOLs are necessary. One can be happy and healthy without having a LOOL. Truly. Partly because we don’t know what it would be like to have one, so it may not be missed. We’re OK if we don’t take on shame or guilt because of not having a LOOL.
What happens when we lose our LOOL?
All things, relationships, events, experiences, places end up as losses eventually. It’s the nature of things. So, when we lose a LOOL, it can be a deeper loss because we have invested more in the relationship. But we would not feel such loss unless we had such a love. It’s still loss but more bittersweet, with the understanding of the meaning that it brought. Yet it leaves a love hole in our hearts. I think we don’t give enough credence to the grief over loss of pets, skills, identities, etc when we experience those losses.
What about when LOOLs runs amuck?
All LOOLs can run amuck. You’ll know it has run amuck if you or your LOOL become obsessive, addictive, or abusive. Or if your LOOL totally controls your life or you revert to martyrdom to retain your LOOL. Those experiences are no longer LOOLs. The love has ceased to be love and causes harm to self and others. It is no longer life-giving.
Can you have more than one LOOL?
Yes, I believe we can have several LOOSs, and it may be healthy to do so. It’s not a requirement but a life-enhancing experience. We may have one outstanding LOOL because it happened at a particular time or mended us in significant ways. Yet there can be other LOOLs that are less significant but equally satisfying, inviting us into new areas of our lives we may have never considered. May it be so.
What are ways to cultivate LOOLs?
We can cultivate LOOLs by naming the ones we have and being grateful for them. We can notice if we are becoming a LOOL for someone else and lean in, if it feels life-giving. We can be on the lookout for the things, events, people we have not been fully aware of, for what they might bring us as LOOLs. If a person, place, experience or presence in our lives resonates with what I’ve described above we may already have LOOLs that we had not named as such. Wouldn’t that be a pleasant surprise and something to be grateful for? It happened for me as I wrote this essay.
What are my LOOLs?
I wrote about my first one, my kind husband. And as I was writing this, it dawned on me (duh) that writing has been another LOOL for me. It fits all the criteria and brings me joy. I would also include my spiritual life and intimacy with the Holy as a LOOL. Several intimate friendships also quality for me. Add trees, rivers, and herons! Oh, and baseball!! Now, I’ve come to define a LOOL as any place or person or experience that brings forth what I call a “heaven on earth” experience. In conclusion, one of the gifts I received from this sad time of loss, was the discovery that by naming my first LOOL, I have also found or noticed several others.
A few reflective questions for you, dear reader
What are your LOOLs? How have they influenced or changed your life?
Janet O. Hagberg, 2025. Please pass this along.