Can All Loss Include Gain?
“Everything that took place brought us to this place.”
--Henri Nouwen
A friend recently told me a surprising story about a newly widowed woman in her women’s group. The woman said, in a gentle voice, “with every loss there is a freedom.” It was a kind of thought-provoking sentence, perhaps surprising, yet worth pondering. At that tender moment it may have seemed counterintuitive.
And yet, the more I reflect on it, the truer her comment gets. Most loss does include gain. However, when you are in the deep darkness of inestimable loss it is not the best time to even think about this and I wouldn’t try. It also feels insensitive to suggest it to a person facing shameful loss. Or to connect it to horrendous loss like genocide or sexual trafficking. I won’t even attempt to unpack those issues here. My own deep loss occurred when my mother died at age fifty-five, and I was only twenty-two, and I would not have embraced this as gain. But perhaps over time, or with more distance to reflect, we may see, emerging from most losses, subtle gains or freedoms. And as Nouwen says, they brought us to this place.
In this essay I would like to present a perspective on the long arc of grief, recovery and hope. Not a pie-in-the-sky view but a practical three-part process for navigating life, with all its losses, and its gains. Perhaps there really is a glimmer of gain from the loss. This three-part process comes from an anonymous eighty-eight-year-old Jungian analyst
“Grieve the losses, deal with what is, and work on wonder.”
I‘ve practiced this process for years and it usually gives me a much-needed perspective in difficult times. I will include ideas and stories for each of these three parts, as well as a blessing excerpt from John O’Donohue to illustrate. And as always, there will be questions for you, my dear reader, to ponder for yourself.
Grieve the losses
John O’Donohue offers this evocative quote from his blessing called A Morning Offering. “I bless the night that nourished my heart/to set the ghosts of longing free/into the flow and figure of dream/that went to harvest from the night/ bread for the hunger no one sees.”
Grief comes in so many different forms; death, diminishment, shaming events, ambiguous loss, job loss, loss of dreams, divorce, miscarriage, illness, disability, estrangements, moving to a foreign place, even losing sports competitions. I believe there are some losses that are necessary for us but that is beyond the scope of this essay. In our western culture we mostly associate grief with death of some kind, but grief can reside deep within us in other ways. I refer to these more hidden griefs and deep losses as they are described in a healing book by Frances Weller entitled The Wild Edge of Sorrow.
In this book Weller notes death as only one of the five gates of grief. He knowingly summarizes this gate by saying “everything we love we will lose.” Yikes! The other gates of grief are often intricately involved in our sorrow, yet we rarely embrace them, at least I don’t. See how they resonate for you.
The four other gates of grief are grief over what we expected but did not receive, grief over ancestral wounds, grief over the sorrows of the world, and grief over the places that have not known love. He suggests that by finding where the grief is in our stories and in our bodies, by noting it, even nurturing it, we can find a bottom for grief, a safe container for it. He adds that we can best balance our grief with beauty. I will illustrate three of the four gates here, but I will not address the grief from the places that have not known love. That seems too tender a grief to ask someone to share publicly.
Frederick Buechner is an honest and helpful voice for those experiencing grief in general. He says so poignantly, “something precious and irreplaceable has come to an end and something in you has come to an end with it.” Melanie Weidner, in her Brave Joy wisdom cards, describes wise ways to embrace grief. “Honor the deep love found in the heart of loss. Respect your sadness, anger and numbness. Make a sacred space for breaking open. Stay with despair to find what endures.”
We really miss the things and people we lose. There are hardly words to describe it. The French have a special way of saying “I miss you” when someone has died or is leaving. They say “tu me manques, you are missing from me.” How true that is.
Stories of grief, loss and reflection
*A friend of mine is grieving the distancing of a family member she was very close to. This woman has moved away both physically to another state, and emotionally in relationship. She did not approve of or support the choice of my friend’s son to come out as transgender. My friend needed her when she experienced the tender process of surprise and then acceptance of this choice by her son. This may be an example of feeling grief for what my friend had expected but did not receive. Yet she said that she is also somewhat relieved not to have the judgment and tension between them at family gatherings. She sees no way to resolve this dilemma at this point but is content to let it be. A new letting go. A glimmer of gain from the loss?
*My like-a-son Michael, who died of a glioblastoma, completed a life review in his process of grieving his impending loss of life. He discovered that ancestors five generations back had moved onto a parcel of land and into buildings that had been the scene of a massacre of Native Americans. But no amends had been made nor attention paid to this tragedy. Even though his ancestors were not involved in the massacre, each male and some females since that time had major brain trauma (tumors, Parkinson’s, nervous breakdowns). He surmised that the ancestral grief had carried itself in the family in this way for five generations. He was in the process of mending this rift with the ancestors of those who were massacred but could not complete it before he died. A glimmer of gain from the loss?
*As I am writing this essay there has been an occupation of my city by ICE officers who are rashly rounding up immigrants and refugees to detain them. The news is horrendous including murders and shootings of innocent civilians. In our deep grief, thousands of citizens show up for vigils. National attention highlights the activists’ non- violent responses to the random hostility. People are organizing instantly to protect their targeted neighbors. Grief over the sorrows of the world. A glimmer of gain from the loss?
Questions for you to ponder
What kind of loss do you most identify with of the five gates of grief?
Which of the other four gates of grief speaks to you?
What, if any, gains or freedoms have you noticed over time from your losses?
Deal with what is
I offer another quote from John O’Donohue. “May my mind come alive today/to the invisible geography/that invites me to new frontiers/to break the dead shell of yesterdays/to risk being disturbed and changed.”
Dealing with what is going on day-to-day can be a daunting task no matter how prepared we are. Things throw us off kilter. Just a text or hearing a bit of news on social media can infect us with anxiety, fear or anger. Again, the French have a great saying for dealing with what is. “The most difficult roads lead to the most beautiful destinations.” How do we reach those destinations?
Processing what is
How do we stay present and learn to deal with what is in front of us, especially in times of grief or disorientation? I would suggest that one way we can stay more present to our lives is to adhere to a set of inner principles that we hold onto and follow, even more diligently in times like these. Here are five I have come to believe in, and I give them to you to chew on dear reader. As you read them, notice which one is most appealing to you and which one poses the most challenge. These are the ones you will learn from the most!
Principle One: Recognize and accept your gifts. Which things, characteristics, skills or practices of yours are most likely to help each day during this time of grief not only for yourself but possibly for others as well?
Principle Two: Keep your inner slate clean. This means not to let anger, anxiety, fear, resentment, or jealousy fill your inner slate or your heart. These emotions generally lead to unwise behavior or build up to cloud your judgment. Instead of letting them run rampant, embrace them for the wisdom they will reveal.
Principle Three: Listen to your body for the truthful messages it brings. Knowing your body messages is a vital first step in preventive health. Every symptom is a message. Our bodies want us to be healthy and whole and they speak regularly.
Principle Four: Stay intimate with God, Spirit, the Holy, your higher power. We all need a power beyond us to help us navigate this complex universe and our complex lives during and in the aftermath of grief and fear. Find your form of spiritual practice and do it for thirty days and it is likely to stick!
Principle Five: Express gratitude for everything. This one is ultra-inspiring but also daunting, especially in the middle of stressful events or grief-infused moments. Ingrained gratitude is a soul state and can be cultivated over time. Just to think about the fact that there could be a glimpse of gain in our griefs and stresses may give rise to a profound change in our world view or our expectations.
Stories of dealing with what is
*For me, in the early loss of my mother, I was left without a strong foundation, without mentoring for my future, without the companionship of an involved mom. I was married for only one year and I already felt bereft. Then a few things happened that I had not expected. One was that my mother-in-law who I loved, stepped in to be like a second mother to me. She was just what I needed; kind, loving, present, interested in my life.
And somehow, I got hold of a book that I will always cherish, called Motherless Daughters, by Hope Edelman. It described the path of young women who had lost their mothers. There were obvious changes in family dynamics described like loneliness and changed relationships with our fathers, of course, but then she named actual gifts that can emerge from this experience—like enhanced creativity. I was stunned and it helped me to embrace the loss differently. Glimpses of gain from the loss?
*My friend with the now transgender daughter learned about a whole new world and a closely knit community. The family members and friends who accepted her daughter became a solid trusting oasis for her. She could feel there was something powerful brewing in this experience to open her heart further. What would it be? Glimpses of gain from the loss?
*Michael and I met together regularly during his time of multiple surgeries and the ups and downs of cancer treatments. We used the three-part process that I am illustrating in this essay to help him deal with what was happening all along the way and to make peace with his life and death. We shared all of this in a podcast we did together just four months before he died. It is poignant and precious to me. Scroll down to Healing in Preparing for Death. Glimpses of gain from the loss?
https://soundcloud.com/thecriticaljourney
*In my city, since we chose not to counter the violence with force, other means of countering it quickly emerged. Neighborhoods developed online alerts and tracking of ICE operatives. Larger protest marches happened almost spontaneously. Our leadership steadied us and gave us strong counsel. There were massive food campaigns to deliver food to families afraid for their lives across the city. In just one part of the city twelve hundred families received food and necessities delivered to their door since they were afraid to leave. All of this was provided and delivered by volunteers.
Worldwide support through protests lifted our spirits. Strong advocacy and legal action to free innocent people began to emerge. An instant hit song by a megastar honored our resolve and went to the top of the charts worldwide within a day. New protest chants and songs were taught to fuel music as a means of protest. At one such gathering at a downtown church twelve hundred people attended to sing together. Now there is hope where just weeks ago there seemed to be none.
An especially poignant poem emerged during the occupation that for people of faith offered a transforming perspective of the whole situation. Glimpses of hope from the loss?
Communion
There's no bread.
The bakers have gone into hiding.
The seats at the table are empty.
The Twelve are out marching with the thousands.
The streets are filled with a new song.
Only Judas sits at Target Plaza, counting his silver,
While Pontius Pilate issues a carefully worded statement.
Meanwhile, the centurions have quotas to fill.
But out on the streets there's a Communion.
Jesus takes the city in his hands and says,
"This is my body, broken for you."
Rob Hardy (during the MN occupation of 2026 by ICE)
Questions for you to ponder
Which of the five principles do you resonate with as your strength?
Which of the five principles invites you into new territory?
What are your best ways to “deal with what is” in times of loss for you?
O’Donohue challenges us to break shells and to risk being disturbed and changed. In other words, to lean into transformation. But what is it that we engage with to awaken or inspire or transform us? This leads us to the final practice in this three-part process. Work on wonder.
Work on Wonder
John O’Donahue’s blessing for this phase is luminescent. “All that is eternal in me/welcomes the wonder of this day/the field of brightness it creates/offering time for each thing/to arise and illuminate.”
Wonder is unique to each person but almost everyone I tell this three-part process to lights up when they hear the last part: working on wonder. If you could stop right now while reading this --and you could overlook obstacles-- what would wonder look like for you? For me a very simple example would be a pro baseball team playing small ball rather than focusing on home runs. If you want to understand this, ask a fervent baseball fan!
And working on wonder well, that’s because it doesn’t always come naturally. So just start by listing “wonder” things; people, activities, events that arouse wonder. Here are questions that may help you to discover wonder, even in sad or grieving times. What makes you come alive? What makes you break out in laughter? What produces awe in you? What gives you the deepest sense of calm? What heals you? What allows you to lose track of time? What brings you close to your higher power? What helps you to sense that there is a bigger perspective beyond what you can currently see?
Examples of working on wonder within grief
*In my grief over my mother’s death I chose to write to her in a journal. At first much of it was angst and anger over what seemed like her betrayal. But then after several years, she started writing back to me and it changed our whole relationship. Now I feel closer to her than I remember being when she was alive. Actual gain from the loss?
* My friend with the transgender daughter is realizing how much she appreciates those among her family and friends who are modeling what it is to be love in the world. Her daughter is now being trained as a preventive health worker to support others in gaining strength. Such amazing grace in action. Actual gain from the loss?
*My like-a-son Michael is extending eternal love to all who remember him. His family is living out various parts of his love legacy. Personally, he extends eternal love to me at a preselected bench on the Mississippi River so I can bring more of that love to my part of the world. Actual gain from the loss?
*I don’t know yet what the lasting impacts or transformation will be in the wake of this occupation of our city. But I do know that Minnesota has become a beacon of light, a north star in this country. Our city has recently been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, and if we win, it would be the first time a city has won that prestigious prize. I also anticipate more creativity, more wise and caring responses, more deep relationships with our neighbors, more strength, more resilience, even more humor. Actual gain from the loss!!!
Questions for your reflection
What are two sources of wonder for you?
How does wonder help you with your grief or disenchantment?
How do you personally represent wonder to those you know or meet?
Final idea for your consideration
What do you think are the effects of embracing this three-part process: grieving the losses, dealing with what is, and working on wonder? I would offer that it may be a delightful sense of being fully present to life yet lovingly detached from controlling the outcomes. This, in my experience, leads to JOY, the remarkable sense of deep inner satisfaction, no matter what. I have a phrase that summarizes that for me. “Joy emerges from pain well attended.” Here’s a poem that may help us experience this wonder, this sense of joy and satisfaction.
Only one voice
Only one voice
but it was singing
and the words danced and as they danced held high--
oh, with what grace!--their lustrous bowls of joy.
Even in dark we knew they danced, but we--
none of us—touched the hem of what would happen.
Somewhere around a whirl, swirl, a pirouette,
the bowls flew and spilled,
and we were drenched, drenched to the dry bone
in our miserable night.
Only one voice,
but morning lay awake in her bed and listened,
and then was out and racing over the hills
to hear and see.
And water and light and air and the tall trees
and people, young and old, began to hum
the catchy, catchy tune.
And everyone danced, and everyone, everything
even the last roots of the doddering oak
believed in life.
Jessica Powers
Janet Hagberg, 2026. Please pass this along.
--Henri Nouwen
A friend recently told me a surprising story about a newly widowed woman in her women’s group. The woman said, in a gentle voice, “with every loss there is a freedom.” It was a kind of thought-provoking sentence, perhaps surprising, yet worth pondering. At that tender moment it may have seemed counterintuitive.
And yet, the more I reflect on it, the truer her comment gets. Most loss does include gain. However, when you are in the deep darkness of inestimable loss it is not the best time to even think about this and I wouldn’t try. It also feels insensitive to suggest it to a person facing shameful loss. Or to connect it to horrendous loss like genocide or sexual trafficking. I won’t even attempt to unpack those issues here. My own deep loss occurred when my mother died at age fifty-five, and I was only twenty-two, and I would not have embraced this as gain. But perhaps over time, or with more distance to reflect, we may see, emerging from most losses, subtle gains or freedoms. And as Nouwen says, they brought us to this place.
In this essay I would like to present a perspective on the long arc of grief, recovery and hope. Not a pie-in-the-sky view but a practical three-part process for navigating life, with all its losses, and its gains. Perhaps there really is a glimmer of gain from the loss. This three-part process comes from an anonymous eighty-eight-year-old Jungian analyst
“Grieve the losses, deal with what is, and work on wonder.”
I‘ve practiced this process for years and it usually gives me a much-needed perspective in difficult times. I will include ideas and stories for each of these three parts, as well as a blessing excerpt from John O’Donohue to illustrate. And as always, there will be questions for you, my dear reader, to ponder for yourself.
Grieve the losses
John O’Donohue offers this evocative quote from his blessing called A Morning Offering. “I bless the night that nourished my heart/to set the ghosts of longing free/into the flow and figure of dream/that went to harvest from the night/ bread for the hunger no one sees.”
Grief comes in so many different forms; death, diminishment, shaming events, ambiguous loss, job loss, loss of dreams, divorce, miscarriage, illness, disability, estrangements, moving to a foreign place, even losing sports competitions. I believe there are some losses that are necessary for us but that is beyond the scope of this essay. In our western culture we mostly associate grief with death of some kind, but grief can reside deep within us in other ways. I refer to these more hidden griefs and deep losses as they are described in a healing book by Frances Weller entitled The Wild Edge of Sorrow.
In this book Weller notes death as only one of the five gates of grief. He knowingly summarizes this gate by saying “everything we love we will lose.” Yikes! The other gates of grief are often intricately involved in our sorrow, yet we rarely embrace them, at least I don’t. See how they resonate for you.
The four other gates of grief are grief over what we expected but did not receive, grief over ancestral wounds, grief over the sorrows of the world, and grief over the places that have not known love. He suggests that by finding where the grief is in our stories and in our bodies, by noting it, even nurturing it, we can find a bottom for grief, a safe container for it. He adds that we can best balance our grief with beauty. I will illustrate three of the four gates here, but I will not address the grief from the places that have not known love. That seems too tender a grief to ask someone to share publicly.
Frederick Buechner is an honest and helpful voice for those experiencing grief in general. He says so poignantly, “something precious and irreplaceable has come to an end and something in you has come to an end with it.” Melanie Weidner, in her Brave Joy wisdom cards, describes wise ways to embrace grief. “Honor the deep love found in the heart of loss. Respect your sadness, anger and numbness. Make a sacred space for breaking open. Stay with despair to find what endures.”
We really miss the things and people we lose. There are hardly words to describe it. The French have a special way of saying “I miss you” when someone has died or is leaving. They say “tu me manques, you are missing from me.” How true that is.
Stories of grief, loss and reflection
*A friend of mine is grieving the distancing of a family member she was very close to. This woman has moved away both physically to another state, and emotionally in relationship. She did not approve of or support the choice of my friend’s son to come out as transgender. My friend needed her when she experienced the tender process of surprise and then acceptance of this choice by her son. This may be an example of feeling grief for what my friend had expected but did not receive. Yet she said that she is also somewhat relieved not to have the judgment and tension between them at family gatherings. She sees no way to resolve this dilemma at this point but is content to let it be. A new letting go. A glimmer of gain from the loss?
*My like-a-son Michael, who died of a glioblastoma, completed a life review in his process of grieving his impending loss of life. He discovered that ancestors five generations back had moved onto a parcel of land and into buildings that had been the scene of a massacre of Native Americans. But no amends had been made nor attention paid to this tragedy. Even though his ancestors were not involved in the massacre, each male and some females since that time had major brain trauma (tumors, Parkinson’s, nervous breakdowns). He surmised that the ancestral grief had carried itself in the family in this way for five generations. He was in the process of mending this rift with the ancestors of those who were massacred but could not complete it before he died. A glimmer of gain from the loss?
*As I am writing this essay there has been an occupation of my city by ICE officers who are rashly rounding up immigrants and refugees to detain them. The news is horrendous including murders and shootings of innocent civilians. In our deep grief, thousands of citizens show up for vigils. National attention highlights the activists’ non- violent responses to the random hostility. People are organizing instantly to protect their targeted neighbors. Grief over the sorrows of the world. A glimmer of gain from the loss?
Questions for you to ponder
What kind of loss do you most identify with of the five gates of grief?
Which of the other four gates of grief speaks to you?
What, if any, gains or freedoms have you noticed over time from your losses?
Deal with what is
I offer another quote from John O’Donohue. “May my mind come alive today/to the invisible geography/that invites me to new frontiers/to break the dead shell of yesterdays/to risk being disturbed and changed.”
Dealing with what is going on day-to-day can be a daunting task no matter how prepared we are. Things throw us off kilter. Just a text or hearing a bit of news on social media can infect us with anxiety, fear or anger. Again, the French have a great saying for dealing with what is. “The most difficult roads lead to the most beautiful destinations.” How do we reach those destinations?
Processing what is
How do we stay present and learn to deal with what is in front of us, especially in times of grief or disorientation? I would suggest that one way we can stay more present to our lives is to adhere to a set of inner principles that we hold onto and follow, even more diligently in times like these. Here are five I have come to believe in, and I give them to you to chew on dear reader. As you read them, notice which one is most appealing to you and which one poses the most challenge. These are the ones you will learn from the most!
Principle One: Recognize and accept your gifts. Which things, characteristics, skills or practices of yours are most likely to help each day during this time of grief not only for yourself but possibly for others as well?
Principle Two: Keep your inner slate clean. This means not to let anger, anxiety, fear, resentment, or jealousy fill your inner slate or your heart. These emotions generally lead to unwise behavior or build up to cloud your judgment. Instead of letting them run rampant, embrace them for the wisdom they will reveal.
Principle Three: Listen to your body for the truthful messages it brings. Knowing your body messages is a vital first step in preventive health. Every symptom is a message. Our bodies want us to be healthy and whole and they speak regularly.
Principle Four: Stay intimate with God, Spirit, the Holy, your higher power. We all need a power beyond us to help us navigate this complex universe and our complex lives during and in the aftermath of grief and fear. Find your form of spiritual practice and do it for thirty days and it is likely to stick!
Principle Five: Express gratitude for everything. This one is ultra-inspiring but also daunting, especially in the middle of stressful events or grief-infused moments. Ingrained gratitude is a soul state and can be cultivated over time. Just to think about the fact that there could be a glimpse of gain in our griefs and stresses may give rise to a profound change in our world view or our expectations.
Stories of dealing with what is
*For me, in the early loss of my mother, I was left without a strong foundation, without mentoring for my future, without the companionship of an involved mom. I was married for only one year and I already felt bereft. Then a few things happened that I had not expected. One was that my mother-in-law who I loved, stepped in to be like a second mother to me. She was just what I needed; kind, loving, present, interested in my life.
And somehow, I got hold of a book that I will always cherish, called Motherless Daughters, by Hope Edelman. It described the path of young women who had lost their mothers. There were obvious changes in family dynamics described like loneliness and changed relationships with our fathers, of course, but then she named actual gifts that can emerge from this experience—like enhanced creativity. I was stunned and it helped me to embrace the loss differently. Glimpses of gain from the loss?
*My friend with the now transgender daughter learned about a whole new world and a closely knit community. The family members and friends who accepted her daughter became a solid trusting oasis for her. She could feel there was something powerful brewing in this experience to open her heart further. What would it be? Glimpses of gain from the loss?
*Michael and I met together regularly during his time of multiple surgeries and the ups and downs of cancer treatments. We used the three-part process that I am illustrating in this essay to help him deal with what was happening all along the way and to make peace with his life and death. We shared all of this in a podcast we did together just four months before he died. It is poignant and precious to me. Scroll down to Healing in Preparing for Death. Glimpses of gain from the loss?
https://soundcloud.com/thecriticaljourney
*In my city, since we chose not to counter the violence with force, other means of countering it quickly emerged. Neighborhoods developed online alerts and tracking of ICE operatives. Larger protest marches happened almost spontaneously. Our leadership steadied us and gave us strong counsel. There were massive food campaigns to deliver food to families afraid for their lives across the city. In just one part of the city twelve hundred families received food and necessities delivered to their door since they were afraid to leave. All of this was provided and delivered by volunteers.
Worldwide support through protests lifted our spirits. Strong advocacy and legal action to free innocent people began to emerge. An instant hit song by a megastar honored our resolve and went to the top of the charts worldwide within a day. New protest chants and songs were taught to fuel music as a means of protest. At one such gathering at a downtown church twelve hundred people attended to sing together. Now there is hope where just weeks ago there seemed to be none.
An especially poignant poem emerged during the occupation that for people of faith offered a transforming perspective of the whole situation. Glimpses of hope from the loss?
Communion
There's no bread.
The bakers have gone into hiding.
The seats at the table are empty.
The Twelve are out marching with the thousands.
The streets are filled with a new song.
Only Judas sits at Target Plaza, counting his silver,
While Pontius Pilate issues a carefully worded statement.
Meanwhile, the centurions have quotas to fill.
But out on the streets there's a Communion.
Jesus takes the city in his hands and says,
"This is my body, broken for you."
Rob Hardy (during the MN occupation of 2026 by ICE)
Questions for you to ponder
Which of the five principles do you resonate with as your strength?
Which of the five principles invites you into new territory?
What are your best ways to “deal with what is” in times of loss for you?
O’Donohue challenges us to break shells and to risk being disturbed and changed. In other words, to lean into transformation. But what is it that we engage with to awaken or inspire or transform us? This leads us to the final practice in this three-part process. Work on wonder.
Work on Wonder
John O’Donahue’s blessing for this phase is luminescent. “All that is eternal in me/welcomes the wonder of this day/the field of brightness it creates/offering time for each thing/to arise and illuminate.”
Wonder is unique to each person but almost everyone I tell this three-part process to lights up when they hear the last part: working on wonder. If you could stop right now while reading this --and you could overlook obstacles-- what would wonder look like for you? For me a very simple example would be a pro baseball team playing small ball rather than focusing on home runs. If you want to understand this, ask a fervent baseball fan!
And working on wonder well, that’s because it doesn’t always come naturally. So just start by listing “wonder” things; people, activities, events that arouse wonder. Here are questions that may help you to discover wonder, even in sad or grieving times. What makes you come alive? What makes you break out in laughter? What produces awe in you? What gives you the deepest sense of calm? What heals you? What allows you to lose track of time? What brings you close to your higher power? What helps you to sense that there is a bigger perspective beyond what you can currently see?
Examples of working on wonder within grief
*In my grief over my mother’s death I chose to write to her in a journal. At first much of it was angst and anger over what seemed like her betrayal. But then after several years, she started writing back to me and it changed our whole relationship. Now I feel closer to her than I remember being when she was alive. Actual gain from the loss?
* My friend with the transgender daughter is realizing how much she appreciates those among her family and friends who are modeling what it is to be love in the world. Her daughter is now being trained as a preventive health worker to support others in gaining strength. Such amazing grace in action. Actual gain from the loss?
*My like-a-son Michael is extending eternal love to all who remember him. His family is living out various parts of his love legacy. Personally, he extends eternal love to me at a preselected bench on the Mississippi River so I can bring more of that love to my part of the world. Actual gain from the loss?
*I don’t know yet what the lasting impacts or transformation will be in the wake of this occupation of our city. But I do know that Minnesota has become a beacon of light, a north star in this country. Our city has recently been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, and if we win, it would be the first time a city has won that prestigious prize. I also anticipate more creativity, more wise and caring responses, more deep relationships with our neighbors, more strength, more resilience, even more humor. Actual gain from the loss!!!
Questions for your reflection
What are two sources of wonder for you?
How does wonder help you with your grief or disenchantment?
How do you personally represent wonder to those you know or meet?
Final idea for your consideration
What do you think are the effects of embracing this three-part process: grieving the losses, dealing with what is, and working on wonder? I would offer that it may be a delightful sense of being fully present to life yet lovingly detached from controlling the outcomes. This, in my experience, leads to JOY, the remarkable sense of deep inner satisfaction, no matter what. I have a phrase that summarizes that for me. “Joy emerges from pain well attended.” Here’s a poem that may help us experience this wonder, this sense of joy and satisfaction.
Only one voice
Only one voice
but it was singing
and the words danced and as they danced held high--
oh, with what grace!--their lustrous bowls of joy.
Even in dark we knew they danced, but we--
none of us—touched the hem of what would happen.
Somewhere around a whirl, swirl, a pirouette,
the bowls flew and spilled,
and we were drenched, drenched to the dry bone
in our miserable night.
Only one voice,
but morning lay awake in her bed and listened,
and then was out and racing over the hills
to hear and see.
And water and light and air and the tall trees
and people, young and old, began to hum
the catchy, catchy tune.
And everyone danced, and everyone, everything
even the last roots of the doddering oak
believed in life.
Jessica Powers
Janet Hagberg, 2026. Please pass this along.