Part 1: Approaching "The Wall"
Part One: A Dialogue with “The Wall” Approaching the Wall
As described in The Critical Journey
Janet Hagberg and Danielle Jones
Welcome to the Wall! The Wall is a deeply holy place on the faith journey. It is always individual, mysterious, God-shaped, and infused with Spirit-- inviting us to transformation. The Wall is one of the most difficult parts of the faith journey and it asks more surrender of us than we may think we are capable of. It is equally alluring and treacherous. Yet the Wall is ultimately a place of healing, of ourselves and our image of God. We need to have a lot of compassion for ourselves and for anyone else who is experiencing the Wall.
I, Janet, author of The Critical Journey, have been asked by my readers to delve a bit more deeply into the phases of the Wall. As a way to bring greater understanding to these phases, I have invited Danielle Jones, a clergy friend of mine, to enter into a dialogue with me about real life experiences of the three phases of the Wall; approaching the Wall, embracing the Wall and releasing the Wall. We will only describe a few characteristics of each phase in hopes that the reader will be interested in reading more about the Wall or meeting with a spiritual director who is trained to listen to people’s spiritual journeys and guide them through the holy Wall. We will also include the Wall stories of Bobbie, Derek, Michael, and David in hopes that their stories will help explain this spiritual process. Links to summaries of The Critical Journey are listed at the end of this dialogue.
One of the teachers who utilizes the Wall, Ellen Duffield, thinks of the Wall as a crucible. A masterful image. She writes, “As I often use the language of a journey towards wisdom, I describe the Wall as a powerful crucible experience that enables us to let go of those things that would cause us to be less true to ourselves, less intimately connected to both the Divine and humanity at large, and more open to the calling of humility, creativity, wisdom, inspiration, and true leadership.” Look for more of her reflections on the Wall at the end of this dialogue, along with those of another colleague, Deb Turnow, a spiritual director and teacher of the Wall material who writes about how the Wall is easily misunderstood.
Part One: Approaching the Wall
Janet: “So Danielle, here we are approaching the Wall. There are numerous ways that we enter a Wall experience but there are a few that are pretty clear signs. Let’s list a few and then illustrate them with our own personal stories, shall we?”
One of the surest signs of an invitation to the Wall is of repeated struggles with the same type of issue, repeated patterns over a long period that now seem to get worse or come to a head. Spiritual crises, chronic family issues, job loss or repeated stresses, addictions, mental illness, total loss of faith, chronic physical symptoms, leaving several churches or ministers who are not meeting our needs, or noticing the same types of people showing up in our lives. Would you like to tell the story of how you became aware that you were entering the Wall in your own life? These experiences may make us feel like we are a long way from home, as the song from Sweet Honey in the Rock depicts.
Danielle: “For me, my body started giving me signs that I was nearing the Wall before my mind could articulate what my heart had been feeling. For a period of more than two years, I found that every cold I got turned in to a sinus infection. The sinus infections would go on for weeks and seemed to be less connected to an illness and more connected to my mental state. Upon processing and reflection, in time I became aware that these infections were deeply connected to my relationship with my mother and to working to manage her mental illness. When my mother’s mental illness would flare up, I would over function to try and “fix” things (in reality I was co-dependent with her) and then I would wear myself out, get a cold, resent that cold and my mother, and the cold would inevitably turn into a sinus infection.”
“In another season of my life, I was deeply frustrated with my work and co-workers. I began getting pink eye on a fairly regular basis and through prayer and wise counsel I came to realize that my pink eye was a sign that I was in a power struggle at work. The pink eye was a sure sign that I was working to control someone or something and that my efforts at control were not working.”
Janet: “I have been amazed at how clear your symptoms have been and how you have learned that when you see the patterns it is an invitation to do the hard work of releasing the fear and the potentially damaging influence these people have in your life. So hard to do and yet, so freeing.”
Reaching the Wall comes through many different life experiences. The Wall is a deeply personal place. Some people are in jobs that they are struggling with or failing at (and this has been a pattern over the years) and yet, it is impossible for them to consider leaving for something else because their identity is so tied with this work. Others have totally lost their faith due to a breach of ethics or morality and are stuck because their traditions see it as the fault of the one who has lost faith, not the fault of the system that perpetrates abuse.
Janet: “One of my most difficult personal examples is the addictive and shame–based pattern I have of staying in relationships that are toxic for me and using any number of excuses not to leave. This included marriages, jobs, and friendships. The shame was so great that I thought I had to stay in these relationships in order to survive, while the opposite was true. One of the ways I knew that I had to do some inner work was that while I was just beginning to work on a domestic abuse project in my city, I had a frightening dream. I was locked inside a burning boxcar of a train that was going around in circles like a figure 8, the symbol for infinity. On the outside of the boxcar was a plaque with my mother’s name on it. I knew then that I had to look at the connection between this dream and the career work I was doing. I was repeating my mother’s pattern of acquiescing to an abusive marriage. That was mind-boggling.”
Danielle: “What is extraordinary to me about this dream is that it was powerful and memorable. As you tell the story, you immediately knew this dream was trying to get your attention. As you sat with it and processed it, you came to realize it was a warning that you were traveling down a path that was a well- worn pattern. Understanding a key dream or a recurring scenario seemed to be a key to unlocking the pattern you felt stuck in.”
Janet: “So Danielle, when and how did you realize that you were facing directly into the Wall?”
Danielle: “For me, I had a few experiences of realizing I was facing the Wall. My mother had struggled with undiagnosed mental illness my whole life. Her illness manifested itself in my life through verbal abuse, outbursts, shaming, and projecting her own insecurities and pain on to me. I was caught in a cycle that looked like me walking on egg shells to please her and cover over the shame of our relationship, over functioning and performing in other areas of my life to gain love, and enduring mental and emotional abuse to maintain a “good” relationship with my mother.”
“The awareness that I was reaching the Wall came right after my second daughter was born. I was on maternity leave with a two-year-old and a newborn. My mom called and asked that I come over and help her clean her condo and organize her home for her. When requests like this would come I would often think to myself, “I should really go, this will likely be the thing that will finally make her happy.” It sounds crazy when I write that out, but it was true. I was exhausted as a new mom, but I asked my husband if he would watch our kids, so I could go over for a day and he said yes. Halfway through the cleaning process, my mom started berating me about being a horrible daughter and telling me I was sure to be a horrible mother too. That was the last straw. I left her condo and was crying, and I said out loud to God, “You have to tell me what to do.” This was a prayer I had prayed for years and in that moment as clear as day, I heard God say to me, “You can’t fix her.” This was not what I wanted to hear but it was the moment that I began to realize that something had to change.”
Sometimes it just looks like it will be too hard to do the transforming work of the Wall, so we retreat to a safer and more familiar place for a time—or forever. This is, perhaps a recognition that the hurt, the wound, the pain is too great to embrace or that we are not ready yet to do that work.
For most of us finding the courage to face the Wall takes the assistance of a community. It is so helpful, even crucial, to find one or two trusted friends, a spiritual director, a small group, or a counselor to walk with us through this process. This is not a job that is to be done alone.
How wisdom figures describe approaching the Wall:
Janet: “St. Ignatius uses a poignant visual metaphor for transformation at the Wall. It is a large ship going steadily in one direction at a fast clip. Then we find that we (on the ship) are really going at a fast clip in the wrong direction. What we thought was best for us is really the worst and what we thought was worst is now best. The whole ship needs to turn around in the water and go the other direction. That takes quite awhile and needs the effort of many people. So, it is with going through the Wall. What we gain is internal freedom and connection with our true self. Wise observers would say that so much changes that you may not even recognize yourself on the other side of the Wall.”
Other wisdom figures would use these words to describe the Wall; the dark night of the soul (St John of the Cross), individuation and embracing our shadows and childhood wounds (Carl Jung, William Miller), traveling through the interior castle (Teresa of Avila), healing both spiritually and psychologically especially healing our image of God (implications of most spiritual writers).
Danielle: “I believe we become aware of the Wall and then we want to move through it, and fast. In my own journey, I have found that the Wall takes time to move through. Brick by brick, I became aware of patterns and habits in my life that were no longer leading to growth. All the ways I had used to “work around” the challenges I faced no longer worked for me. That is literally where the phrase “I’ve hit the wall” comes from. When we come up against the Wall we are stopped dead in our tracks. We can retreat, sit down, bury our heads in the sand, but to continue growing with God and in healthy relationships with others we are called to tend to the Wall with the help of God.”
Janet: “I like that image of approaching the Wall brick by brick. Or maybe we encounter smaller walls over the years and start to get an idea of how we can survive and even encounter these walls with help in order to gain wisdom from them. So, when we encounter the Wall that calls for entire transformation, we are a bit more ready to engage with it.”
A Biblical example
The Biblical story that wonderfully illustrates an approach to the Wall is the story of Peter. Peter convinces himself he understands Jesus and all it will take to faithfully follow him. Peter’s ego gets in the way of his faith time and time again as he reaches out in his own strength instead of trusting in God. His confidence in himself leads him to almost drown when he walks on the water to meet Jesus (Matthew 14:22-23). When Jesus tells Peter he will deny that he knows him three times, Peter refuses to believe him and then denies Jesus three times that very night (Matthew 26:69-75). Peter goes as far as to tell Jesus that he can even prevent him from dying and Jesus responds, “Get behind me Satan. You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns (Matthew 16:23).” Peter finally wrestles with his Wall when he has to come to grips with the truth that Jesus was in fact, put to death and that the point of his own life was not to stop that from happening, but to trust in God’s larger perspective.
A poem for this phase of the Wall
God Smiles
I say hang on
God says let go
I say I’m afraid
God says I know
I say my way
He says fine
I say it doesn’t work
She smiles now mine
I say now your way
God says through pain
I say no painless
He says in vain
I say lead me on
God says through the night
I say I’m afraid
She says that’s all right
I say I let go
He says you got through
I smile I’m not afraid
God smiles too
©Janet O. Hagberg, 1987, 2006
A song link: Sometimes I feel like a motherless child…a long way from home
Sweet Honey in the Rock https://youtu.be/jFvDtzMpPM0
Wade in the Water; Blind Boys of Alabama https://youtu.be/8HT6DADgGI4
Icon image: “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”
A pocket prayer for approaching the Wall (small prayers that you can memorize or tuck in your pocket!)
Loving and gracious God, I know you love me. Hold me close as I face into the truth of my life and help me to heal. Amen
Reflection questions for approaching the Wall
As you look back over the last few years of your life, do you notice any recurring patterns or stuck places that you may want to pay attention to?
What is the most distressing constant (person, behavior, addiction) in your life that you just don’t seem to be able to control after trying everything?
What physical symptoms keep repeating themselves and leave you frustrated or angry?
Where is God nudging you, directly or through others, to take a deeper look at your life? How is God “troubling the waters” in your world?
Part two of this book Embracing the Wall
Part three of this book Releasing the Wall
As described in The Critical Journey
Janet Hagberg and Danielle Jones
Welcome to the Wall! The Wall is a deeply holy place on the faith journey. It is always individual, mysterious, God-shaped, and infused with Spirit-- inviting us to transformation. The Wall is one of the most difficult parts of the faith journey and it asks more surrender of us than we may think we are capable of. It is equally alluring and treacherous. Yet the Wall is ultimately a place of healing, of ourselves and our image of God. We need to have a lot of compassion for ourselves and for anyone else who is experiencing the Wall.
I, Janet, author of The Critical Journey, have been asked by my readers to delve a bit more deeply into the phases of the Wall. As a way to bring greater understanding to these phases, I have invited Danielle Jones, a clergy friend of mine, to enter into a dialogue with me about real life experiences of the three phases of the Wall; approaching the Wall, embracing the Wall and releasing the Wall. We will only describe a few characteristics of each phase in hopes that the reader will be interested in reading more about the Wall or meeting with a spiritual director who is trained to listen to people’s spiritual journeys and guide them through the holy Wall. We will also include the Wall stories of Bobbie, Derek, Michael, and David in hopes that their stories will help explain this spiritual process. Links to summaries of The Critical Journey are listed at the end of this dialogue.
One of the teachers who utilizes the Wall, Ellen Duffield, thinks of the Wall as a crucible. A masterful image. She writes, “As I often use the language of a journey towards wisdom, I describe the Wall as a powerful crucible experience that enables us to let go of those things that would cause us to be less true to ourselves, less intimately connected to both the Divine and humanity at large, and more open to the calling of humility, creativity, wisdom, inspiration, and true leadership.” Look for more of her reflections on the Wall at the end of this dialogue, along with those of another colleague, Deb Turnow, a spiritual director and teacher of the Wall material who writes about how the Wall is easily misunderstood.
Part One: Approaching the Wall
Janet: “So Danielle, here we are approaching the Wall. There are numerous ways that we enter a Wall experience but there are a few that are pretty clear signs. Let’s list a few and then illustrate them with our own personal stories, shall we?”
One of the surest signs of an invitation to the Wall is of repeated struggles with the same type of issue, repeated patterns over a long period that now seem to get worse or come to a head. Spiritual crises, chronic family issues, job loss or repeated stresses, addictions, mental illness, total loss of faith, chronic physical symptoms, leaving several churches or ministers who are not meeting our needs, or noticing the same types of people showing up in our lives. Would you like to tell the story of how you became aware that you were entering the Wall in your own life? These experiences may make us feel like we are a long way from home, as the song from Sweet Honey in the Rock depicts.
Danielle: “For me, my body started giving me signs that I was nearing the Wall before my mind could articulate what my heart had been feeling. For a period of more than two years, I found that every cold I got turned in to a sinus infection. The sinus infections would go on for weeks and seemed to be less connected to an illness and more connected to my mental state. Upon processing and reflection, in time I became aware that these infections were deeply connected to my relationship with my mother and to working to manage her mental illness. When my mother’s mental illness would flare up, I would over function to try and “fix” things (in reality I was co-dependent with her) and then I would wear myself out, get a cold, resent that cold and my mother, and the cold would inevitably turn into a sinus infection.”
“In another season of my life, I was deeply frustrated with my work and co-workers. I began getting pink eye on a fairly regular basis and through prayer and wise counsel I came to realize that my pink eye was a sign that I was in a power struggle at work. The pink eye was a sure sign that I was working to control someone or something and that my efforts at control were not working.”
Janet: “I have been amazed at how clear your symptoms have been and how you have learned that when you see the patterns it is an invitation to do the hard work of releasing the fear and the potentially damaging influence these people have in your life. So hard to do and yet, so freeing.”
Reaching the Wall comes through many different life experiences. The Wall is a deeply personal place. Some people are in jobs that they are struggling with or failing at (and this has been a pattern over the years) and yet, it is impossible for them to consider leaving for something else because their identity is so tied with this work. Others have totally lost their faith due to a breach of ethics or morality and are stuck because their traditions see it as the fault of the one who has lost faith, not the fault of the system that perpetrates abuse.
Janet: “One of my most difficult personal examples is the addictive and shame–based pattern I have of staying in relationships that are toxic for me and using any number of excuses not to leave. This included marriages, jobs, and friendships. The shame was so great that I thought I had to stay in these relationships in order to survive, while the opposite was true. One of the ways I knew that I had to do some inner work was that while I was just beginning to work on a domestic abuse project in my city, I had a frightening dream. I was locked inside a burning boxcar of a train that was going around in circles like a figure 8, the symbol for infinity. On the outside of the boxcar was a plaque with my mother’s name on it. I knew then that I had to look at the connection between this dream and the career work I was doing. I was repeating my mother’s pattern of acquiescing to an abusive marriage. That was mind-boggling.”
Danielle: “What is extraordinary to me about this dream is that it was powerful and memorable. As you tell the story, you immediately knew this dream was trying to get your attention. As you sat with it and processed it, you came to realize it was a warning that you were traveling down a path that was a well- worn pattern. Understanding a key dream or a recurring scenario seemed to be a key to unlocking the pattern you felt stuck in.”
Janet: “So Danielle, when and how did you realize that you were facing directly into the Wall?”
Danielle: “For me, I had a few experiences of realizing I was facing the Wall. My mother had struggled with undiagnosed mental illness my whole life. Her illness manifested itself in my life through verbal abuse, outbursts, shaming, and projecting her own insecurities and pain on to me. I was caught in a cycle that looked like me walking on egg shells to please her and cover over the shame of our relationship, over functioning and performing in other areas of my life to gain love, and enduring mental and emotional abuse to maintain a “good” relationship with my mother.”
“The awareness that I was reaching the Wall came right after my second daughter was born. I was on maternity leave with a two-year-old and a newborn. My mom called and asked that I come over and help her clean her condo and organize her home for her. When requests like this would come I would often think to myself, “I should really go, this will likely be the thing that will finally make her happy.” It sounds crazy when I write that out, but it was true. I was exhausted as a new mom, but I asked my husband if he would watch our kids, so I could go over for a day and he said yes. Halfway through the cleaning process, my mom started berating me about being a horrible daughter and telling me I was sure to be a horrible mother too. That was the last straw. I left her condo and was crying, and I said out loud to God, “You have to tell me what to do.” This was a prayer I had prayed for years and in that moment as clear as day, I heard God say to me, “You can’t fix her.” This was not what I wanted to hear but it was the moment that I began to realize that something had to change.”
Sometimes it just looks like it will be too hard to do the transforming work of the Wall, so we retreat to a safer and more familiar place for a time—or forever. This is, perhaps a recognition that the hurt, the wound, the pain is too great to embrace or that we are not ready yet to do that work.
For most of us finding the courage to face the Wall takes the assistance of a community. It is so helpful, even crucial, to find one or two trusted friends, a spiritual director, a small group, or a counselor to walk with us through this process. This is not a job that is to be done alone.
How wisdom figures describe approaching the Wall:
Janet: “St. Ignatius uses a poignant visual metaphor for transformation at the Wall. It is a large ship going steadily in one direction at a fast clip. Then we find that we (on the ship) are really going at a fast clip in the wrong direction. What we thought was best for us is really the worst and what we thought was worst is now best. The whole ship needs to turn around in the water and go the other direction. That takes quite awhile and needs the effort of many people. So, it is with going through the Wall. What we gain is internal freedom and connection with our true self. Wise observers would say that so much changes that you may not even recognize yourself on the other side of the Wall.”
Other wisdom figures would use these words to describe the Wall; the dark night of the soul (St John of the Cross), individuation and embracing our shadows and childhood wounds (Carl Jung, William Miller), traveling through the interior castle (Teresa of Avila), healing both spiritually and psychologically especially healing our image of God (implications of most spiritual writers).
Danielle: “I believe we become aware of the Wall and then we want to move through it, and fast. In my own journey, I have found that the Wall takes time to move through. Brick by brick, I became aware of patterns and habits in my life that were no longer leading to growth. All the ways I had used to “work around” the challenges I faced no longer worked for me. That is literally where the phrase “I’ve hit the wall” comes from. When we come up against the Wall we are stopped dead in our tracks. We can retreat, sit down, bury our heads in the sand, but to continue growing with God and in healthy relationships with others we are called to tend to the Wall with the help of God.”
Janet: “I like that image of approaching the Wall brick by brick. Or maybe we encounter smaller walls over the years and start to get an idea of how we can survive and even encounter these walls with help in order to gain wisdom from them. So, when we encounter the Wall that calls for entire transformation, we are a bit more ready to engage with it.”
A Biblical example
The Biblical story that wonderfully illustrates an approach to the Wall is the story of Peter. Peter convinces himself he understands Jesus and all it will take to faithfully follow him. Peter’s ego gets in the way of his faith time and time again as he reaches out in his own strength instead of trusting in God. His confidence in himself leads him to almost drown when he walks on the water to meet Jesus (Matthew 14:22-23). When Jesus tells Peter he will deny that he knows him three times, Peter refuses to believe him and then denies Jesus three times that very night (Matthew 26:69-75). Peter goes as far as to tell Jesus that he can even prevent him from dying and Jesus responds, “Get behind me Satan. You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns (Matthew 16:23).” Peter finally wrestles with his Wall when he has to come to grips with the truth that Jesus was in fact, put to death and that the point of his own life was not to stop that from happening, but to trust in God’s larger perspective.
A poem for this phase of the Wall
God Smiles
I say hang on
God says let go
I say I’m afraid
God says I know
I say my way
He says fine
I say it doesn’t work
She smiles now mine
I say now your way
God says through pain
I say no painless
He says in vain
I say lead me on
God says through the night
I say I’m afraid
She says that’s all right
I say I let go
He says you got through
I smile I’m not afraid
God smiles too
©Janet O. Hagberg, 1987, 2006
A song link: Sometimes I feel like a motherless child…a long way from home
Sweet Honey in the Rock https://youtu.be/jFvDtzMpPM0
Wade in the Water; Blind Boys of Alabama https://youtu.be/8HT6DADgGI4
Icon image: “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”
A pocket prayer for approaching the Wall (small prayers that you can memorize or tuck in your pocket!)
Loving and gracious God, I know you love me. Hold me close as I face into the truth of my life and help me to heal. Amen
Reflection questions for approaching the Wall
As you look back over the last few years of your life, do you notice any recurring patterns or stuck places that you may want to pay attention to?
What is the most distressing constant (person, behavior, addiction) in your life that you just don’t seem to be able to control after trying everything?
What physical symptoms keep repeating themselves and leave you frustrated or angry?
Where is God nudging you, directly or through others, to take a deeper look at your life? How is God “troubling the waters” in your world?
Part two of this book Embracing the Wall
Part three of this book Releasing the Wall