Part 3: Releasing "the Wall"
Part Three: A Dialogue with “The Wall”
As described in The Critical Journey
Janet Hagberg and Danielle Jones
Welcome to the Wall! The Wall is a deeply holy place on the faith journey. It is always individual, mysterious, God-shaped, and infused with Spirit-- inviting us to transformation. The Wall is one of the most difficult parts of the faith journey and it asks more surrender of us than we may think we are capable of. It is equally alluring and treacherous. Yet the Wall is ultimately a place of healing, of ourselves and our image of God. We need to have a lot of compassion for ourselves and for anyone else who is experiencing the Wall.
I, Janet, author of The Critical Journey, have been asked by my readers to delve a bit more deeply into the phases of the Wall. As a way to bring greater understanding to these phases, I have invited Danielle Jones, a clergy friend of mine, to enter into a dialogue with me about real life experiences of the three phases of the Wall; approaching the Wall, embracing the Wall and releasing the Wall. We will only describe a few characteristics of each phase in hopes that the reader will be interested in reading more about the Wall or meeting with a spiritual director who is trained to listen to people’s spiritual journeys and guide them through the holy Wall. We will also include the Wall stories of Bobbie, Derek, Michael, and David in hopes that their stories will help explain this spiritual process. Links to summaries of The Critical Journey are listed at the end of this dialogue.
You have chosen to enter the Wall dialogue in part three, Releasing the Wall. If you would like to learn about phases one and two, please click on the links to those phases.
One of the teachers who works with the Wall, Ellen Duffield, thinks of the Wall as a crucible. A masterful image. She writes: “As I often use the language of a journey towards wisdom I describe the Wall as a powerful crucible experience that enables us to let go of those things that would cause us to be less true to ourselves; less intimately connected to both the Divine and humanity at large; and more open to the calling of humility, creativity, wisdom, inspiration and true leadership.” Look for more of her reflections on the wall at the end of this dialogue, along with those of another colleague, Deb Turnow, who is a spiritual director and also teaches the Wall material, and writes about how the Wall is easily misunderstood.
Part Three: Releasing the Wall
At some point, and that point is different for all of us, we cease to be so intensely involved in the healing at the Wall. Sometimes we don’t even notice it until the intensity lessens over time. Other times, an event or a turning point reminds us that we are on the other side of the major decisions and soul wrenching experiences. What we notice most is that we seem called to articulate what happened or to acknowledge it somehow. And then it is time to move outward again, in whatever way God is inviting us to be more present in the world.
Many parts of the post-Wall life are very unique to the individual and may seem too mysterious to describe. So we won’t attempt that here. However, there are a few things that seem almost universal about life beyond the Wall. It is perhaps wise to end each of these examples with the words “on our good days”, lest we feel that there is yet another ideal to reach beyond the Wall in order to be perfect or whole! Here are a few examples of post-Wall life:
*Staying intimate with God daily and listening for the guidance of the Spirit in all that we do. Examining our behavior gently and humorously to mend what needs mending and embracing what longs to be loved, in ourselves and others.
*Being eternally vigilant about our areas of vulnerability, so as to bring God’s strength and compassion to face them. Being exceptionally kind to ourselves so as to be kind to others. Experiencing loving detachment (wise discernment) from shadow behavior in ourselves and in others.
*Clearly articulating our transformed life and faith story to reflect the healing we received. Behaving differently—sometimes very differently--and usually counter to the culture. Perhaps changing our faith practices. Becoming a spiritual presence, a stable place.
*Moving outward again, towards others with compassion and presence. Mentoring others with humility and generosity. Embracing our calling as an outgrowth of our experience of the Wall. Living with utter gratitude, courage and faithfulness. Experiencing naturally the gifts of the Spirit that we have read about or longed for all along.
*Becoming a healing presence in the world no matter what our walk in life. We do whatever we do in a healing way.
*Watching as our lives take on spontaneous acts of creativity, simplicity, beauty, joy, and love.
David’s story illustrates how he has found his sacred calling, serving as a chaplain for people living with dementia in a long-term-care facility. He looks them directly in the eyes and speaks to their souls and many times they respond, even if they seem far away or in another world. He just knows how to love them and they feel it. Their families feel it too. This presence comes partly from who he has become as a result of his own wounded story. Ten years ago he was a closeted gay man in a religious order and an alcoholic not yet ready for the work of recovery. A lot of leaving, healing, and honesty emerged within a few years’ time. Tumultuous. Difficult. Painstaking. The Wall became intimately real in recovery when he realized he had to leave his religious order so he could heal. When he offers Eucharist to his residents now he sees in their eyes the very presence of God and knows he is in the right place. Holy, holy, holy.
Biblical Examples of healing at the Wall
Job, through all of his suffering and the advice of his friends, even his opportunity to curse God and die, finally comes to a place in which he meets God and has an extraordinary conversation. A straightforward one with much love and insistence on intimacy. He concludes with the words, “I know that you can do all things and no purpose of yours can be thwarted…Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know…I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you.” (The book of Job)
Mary Magdalene was a close follower of Jesus and was healed of deep pain as a result of their relationship. She stayed with him in his darkest hour and then encountered him intimately at the tomb. (John 19:25, 20:1-18) She was not afraid of pain any longer. She went on to be one of the core disciples, along with the eleven, moving forward after his ascension.
A poem for this phase of the Wall
I Created You, Now Let Me Love You
I created you
Now let me love you
That’s all I’ve got to say
Would you like me to repeat that?
Janet Hagberg, 2006.
Song links:
Hallelujah; K.D. Lang, at the homage to Leonard Cohen concert https://youtu.be/paXBGRntIdM
It is Well with my Soul; Kristene DiMarco and Bethel Music, https://youtu.be/YNqo4Un2uZI
Alleluia; Eric Whitacre choir https://youtu.be/Rak_rJLG49k
Copy and paste this link into search at youtube.com
Icon image: “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever” from Psalm 23,
“The Burning Bush” where God appears to Moses through the bush, to assure him of divine presence.
A pocket prayer for releasing the Wall (small prayers that you can memorize or tuck in your pocket!)
My Beloved, thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen
Reflection Questions on Releasing the Wall
Who do you know who is living in a mostly post-Wall life? If it is you, what does your life represent?
What characteristics of this person (if not you) are most endearing to you, things you might like to emulate?
Which characteristics of this person are most challenging for you?
What part of the Wall are you most grateful for in your own life?
Further thoughts on the Wall by two excellent teachers
Janet: “I have included a few wonderful descriptions of the Wall and an explanation of confusion about the Wall from two fine teachers and spiritual directors who use this material.”
Deb Turnow, spiritual director and teacher writes about the misunderstanding of where the Wall is on the Critical Journey model.
Explanation of Stage Four (The Journey Inward) and the Wall – (intensely inward focused)
When others begin to use The Critical Journey in their work or organization, there is some confusion about the placement of The Wall. My hope is that this explanation will help offer a clear understanding of each of these places on the journey and why there may be some confusion.
What tends to happen is that people and/or organizations shift the order of Stage Four (the Journey Inward) and the Wall, feeling that the Wall should come before Stage Four, primarily because we tend to use the language, “I hit a wall” when we are talking about places of struggle and difficulty. When an organization comes from this perspective and then tries to use The Critical Journey model, they move the Wall to fit their own understanding of its meaning.
Here is how Stage Four (the Journey Inward) and The Wall are defined by Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich:
In The Critical Journey model, Stage Four is defined as the place of struggle or deconstruction. It is this Stage where what worked before no longer works, where the formulas are no longer helpful, where there are times of desolation or desert-like experiences, or even a complete deconstruction of what has been. Using Jesus’ life as an example, Jesus went through deep struggles, especially in the Garden of Gethsemane, as he began to move towards the end days of his life. Even his disciples had difficulty staying with him and one even denied him. This garden was the scene of the struggle that signified that a choice of surrender was coming…at the Wall. He asked that the cup of sorrow pass from him and then ended by saying, “Not my will but yours be done.”
The Wall is embedded in (and usually at the end of) Stage Four but it is not so much the place of struggle as it is the place of surrender to the work that God is doing in the midst of the struggle. The Wall is the place where one gives over control and allows God to carry them through. It is not the struggle itself but the place of reckoning where one says, “Your will, not mine.” It is a place of surrender--just like Jesus. This very act of surrendering despite the struggles of Stage Four is the place of deep healing that allows us to become much more aware of God’s presence, allows us to forgive on a deeper level, allows us to accept things may not change, and deepens our capacity to love.
Understanding that the meaning of The Wall is not the struggle itself, but how our response to the struggle helps us make more sense of why it is not the beginning of Stage Four but embedded within it, usually at the end. We cannot surrender and can’t give up our own will without the struggle.
To faithfully use The Critical Journey model, you cannot move The Wall before Stage Four.
Ellen Duffield, a pastor and author from Canada, writes about how she views the Wall in her own life and in the lives of those she works with.
The Wall is definitely one of the more challenging pieces to wrap my head around or explain and, yet I find people are able to access and find solace in the concept.
Some challenges I observe:
1.While the wall represents a place/time/decision or series of decisions/letting go/realignment/reprioritizing/cosmic shift in the inner journey influenced by external circumstances, it is difficult to describe it without people attributing every external challenging event or season as them being “at the Wall”.
2. The Wall (and stages 5 and 6) share certain attributes and outcomes, yet are unique to each individual, and being less common and more internal, more difficult to describe.
As I often use the language of a journey towards wisdom I describe the Wall as a powerful crucible experience that enables us to let go of those things that would cause us to be less true to ourselves, less intimately connected to both the Divine and humanity at large, and more open to the calling of humility, creativity, wisdom, inspiration, and true leadership-- a kind of eldership “role” (although role is an inadequate word as it is more about presence).
The Wall is deeply painful and private. Often including, “I can’t believe this has happened, why did God allow this, I am not sure I will survive intact”, a kind of earth-shaking sense of loss, emotion, fear, and loneliness. Yet there are glimpses that God is at work in the darkness and these glimpses of Glory give glimmers of hope.
The Wall offers the opportunity to let go of the artificial supports and self images that have seemed critical to our identity and that have protected us from the fears of being seen and/or unseen. It is the place for the reinstatement of a healthy community, mature ego, and calling.
The Wall is the pathway that invites us to reconsider everything while not stagnating in cycles of self-reflection. It is an enigma because as we encounter and even embrace more of our own “dark side” and appreciate our unique beauty and strength, we are set free from focusing on self and able to truly see others, and create places of belonging rather than seek places where we can fit in or change ourselves. What seemed big before is now small and vice versa.
Learning more about the Wall and The Critical Journey
For further understanding and more stories of the healing process, see the Wall chapters in The Critical Journey (chapters 7 and 13). The whole book, which illustrates six stages of faith and the Wall, is described in more detail on my website under the books tab. Please use anything that is helpful.
My website is: www.janethagberg.com and my book, Who Are You God? Suffering and Intimacy with God (especially chapters 1,2,4,6,8,10,11) illustrate the healing process and ways to change ones image of God. This is available in print or as a download on Amazon.
Part one of this book Approaching the Wall
Part two of this book Embracing the Wall
As described in The Critical Journey
Janet Hagberg and Danielle Jones
Welcome to the Wall! The Wall is a deeply holy place on the faith journey. It is always individual, mysterious, God-shaped, and infused with Spirit-- inviting us to transformation. The Wall is one of the most difficult parts of the faith journey and it asks more surrender of us than we may think we are capable of. It is equally alluring and treacherous. Yet the Wall is ultimately a place of healing, of ourselves and our image of God. We need to have a lot of compassion for ourselves and for anyone else who is experiencing the Wall.
I, Janet, author of The Critical Journey, have been asked by my readers to delve a bit more deeply into the phases of the Wall. As a way to bring greater understanding to these phases, I have invited Danielle Jones, a clergy friend of mine, to enter into a dialogue with me about real life experiences of the three phases of the Wall; approaching the Wall, embracing the Wall and releasing the Wall. We will only describe a few characteristics of each phase in hopes that the reader will be interested in reading more about the Wall or meeting with a spiritual director who is trained to listen to people’s spiritual journeys and guide them through the holy Wall. We will also include the Wall stories of Bobbie, Derek, Michael, and David in hopes that their stories will help explain this spiritual process. Links to summaries of The Critical Journey are listed at the end of this dialogue.
You have chosen to enter the Wall dialogue in part three, Releasing the Wall. If you would like to learn about phases one and two, please click on the links to those phases.
One of the teachers who works with the Wall, Ellen Duffield, thinks of the Wall as a crucible. A masterful image. She writes: “As I often use the language of a journey towards wisdom I describe the Wall as a powerful crucible experience that enables us to let go of those things that would cause us to be less true to ourselves; less intimately connected to both the Divine and humanity at large; and more open to the calling of humility, creativity, wisdom, inspiration and true leadership.” Look for more of her reflections on the wall at the end of this dialogue, along with those of another colleague, Deb Turnow, who is a spiritual director and also teaches the Wall material, and writes about how the Wall is easily misunderstood.
Part Three: Releasing the Wall
At some point, and that point is different for all of us, we cease to be so intensely involved in the healing at the Wall. Sometimes we don’t even notice it until the intensity lessens over time. Other times, an event or a turning point reminds us that we are on the other side of the major decisions and soul wrenching experiences. What we notice most is that we seem called to articulate what happened or to acknowledge it somehow. And then it is time to move outward again, in whatever way God is inviting us to be more present in the world.
Many parts of the post-Wall life are very unique to the individual and may seem too mysterious to describe. So we won’t attempt that here. However, there are a few things that seem almost universal about life beyond the Wall. It is perhaps wise to end each of these examples with the words “on our good days”, lest we feel that there is yet another ideal to reach beyond the Wall in order to be perfect or whole! Here are a few examples of post-Wall life:
*Staying intimate with God daily and listening for the guidance of the Spirit in all that we do. Examining our behavior gently and humorously to mend what needs mending and embracing what longs to be loved, in ourselves and others.
*Being eternally vigilant about our areas of vulnerability, so as to bring God’s strength and compassion to face them. Being exceptionally kind to ourselves so as to be kind to others. Experiencing loving detachment (wise discernment) from shadow behavior in ourselves and in others.
*Clearly articulating our transformed life and faith story to reflect the healing we received. Behaving differently—sometimes very differently--and usually counter to the culture. Perhaps changing our faith practices. Becoming a spiritual presence, a stable place.
*Moving outward again, towards others with compassion and presence. Mentoring others with humility and generosity. Embracing our calling as an outgrowth of our experience of the Wall. Living with utter gratitude, courage and faithfulness. Experiencing naturally the gifts of the Spirit that we have read about or longed for all along.
*Becoming a healing presence in the world no matter what our walk in life. We do whatever we do in a healing way.
*Watching as our lives take on spontaneous acts of creativity, simplicity, beauty, joy, and love.
David’s story illustrates how he has found his sacred calling, serving as a chaplain for people living with dementia in a long-term-care facility. He looks them directly in the eyes and speaks to their souls and many times they respond, even if they seem far away or in another world. He just knows how to love them and they feel it. Their families feel it too. This presence comes partly from who he has become as a result of his own wounded story. Ten years ago he was a closeted gay man in a religious order and an alcoholic not yet ready for the work of recovery. A lot of leaving, healing, and honesty emerged within a few years’ time. Tumultuous. Difficult. Painstaking. The Wall became intimately real in recovery when he realized he had to leave his religious order so he could heal. When he offers Eucharist to his residents now he sees in their eyes the very presence of God and knows he is in the right place. Holy, holy, holy.
Biblical Examples of healing at the Wall
Job, through all of his suffering and the advice of his friends, even his opportunity to curse God and die, finally comes to a place in which he meets God and has an extraordinary conversation. A straightforward one with much love and insistence on intimacy. He concludes with the words, “I know that you can do all things and no purpose of yours can be thwarted…Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know…I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you.” (The book of Job)
Mary Magdalene was a close follower of Jesus and was healed of deep pain as a result of their relationship. She stayed with him in his darkest hour and then encountered him intimately at the tomb. (John 19:25, 20:1-18) She was not afraid of pain any longer. She went on to be one of the core disciples, along with the eleven, moving forward after his ascension.
A poem for this phase of the Wall
I Created You, Now Let Me Love You
I created you
Now let me love you
That’s all I’ve got to say
Would you like me to repeat that?
Janet Hagberg, 2006.
Song links:
Hallelujah; K.D. Lang, at the homage to Leonard Cohen concert https://youtu.be/paXBGRntIdM
It is Well with my Soul; Kristene DiMarco and Bethel Music, https://youtu.be/YNqo4Un2uZI
Alleluia; Eric Whitacre choir https://youtu.be/Rak_rJLG49k
Copy and paste this link into search at youtube.com
Icon image: “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever” from Psalm 23,
“The Burning Bush” where God appears to Moses through the bush, to assure him of divine presence.
A pocket prayer for releasing the Wall (small prayers that you can memorize or tuck in your pocket!)
My Beloved, thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen
Reflection Questions on Releasing the Wall
Who do you know who is living in a mostly post-Wall life? If it is you, what does your life represent?
What characteristics of this person (if not you) are most endearing to you, things you might like to emulate?
Which characteristics of this person are most challenging for you?
What part of the Wall are you most grateful for in your own life?
Further thoughts on the Wall by two excellent teachers
Janet: “I have included a few wonderful descriptions of the Wall and an explanation of confusion about the Wall from two fine teachers and spiritual directors who use this material.”
Deb Turnow, spiritual director and teacher writes about the misunderstanding of where the Wall is on the Critical Journey model.
Explanation of Stage Four (The Journey Inward) and the Wall – (intensely inward focused)
When others begin to use The Critical Journey in their work or organization, there is some confusion about the placement of The Wall. My hope is that this explanation will help offer a clear understanding of each of these places on the journey and why there may be some confusion.
What tends to happen is that people and/or organizations shift the order of Stage Four (the Journey Inward) and the Wall, feeling that the Wall should come before Stage Four, primarily because we tend to use the language, “I hit a wall” when we are talking about places of struggle and difficulty. When an organization comes from this perspective and then tries to use The Critical Journey model, they move the Wall to fit their own understanding of its meaning.
Here is how Stage Four (the Journey Inward) and The Wall are defined by Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich:
In The Critical Journey model, Stage Four is defined as the place of struggle or deconstruction. It is this Stage where what worked before no longer works, where the formulas are no longer helpful, where there are times of desolation or desert-like experiences, or even a complete deconstruction of what has been. Using Jesus’ life as an example, Jesus went through deep struggles, especially in the Garden of Gethsemane, as he began to move towards the end days of his life. Even his disciples had difficulty staying with him and one even denied him. This garden was the scene of the struggle that signified that a choice of surrender was coming…at the Wall. He asked that the cup of sorrow pass from him and then ended by saying, “Not my will but yours be done.”
The Wall is embedded in (and usually at the end of) Stage Four but it is not so much the place of struggle as it is the place of surrender to the work that God is doing in the midst of the struggle. The Wall is the place where one gives over control and allows God to carry them through. It is not the struggle itself but the place of reckoning where one says, “Your will, not mine.” It is a place of surrender--just like Jesus. This very act of surrendering despite the struggles of Stage Four is the place of deep healing that allows us to become much more aware of God’s presence, allows us to forgive on a deeper level, allows us to accept things may not change, and deepens our capacity to love.
Understanding that the meaning of The Wall is not the struggle itself, but how our response to the struggle helps us make more sense of why it is not the beginning of Stage Four but embedded within it, usually at the end. We cannot surrender and can’t give up our own will without the struggle.
To faithfully use The Critical Journey model, you cannot move The Wall before Stage Four.
Ellen Duffield, a pastor and author from Canada, writes about how she views the Wall in her own life and in the lives of those she works with.
The Wall is definitely one of the more challenging pieces to wrap my head around or explain and, yet I find people are able to access and find solace in the concept.
Some challenges I observe:
1.While the wall represents a place/time/decision or series of decisions/letting go/realignment/reprioritizing/cosmic shift in the inner journey influenced by external circumstances, it is difficult to describe it without people attributing every external challenging event or season as them being “at the Wall”.
2. The Wall (and stages 5 and 6) share certain attributes and outcomes, yet are unique to each individual, and being less common and more internal, more difficult to describe.
As I often use the language of a journey towards wisdom I describe the Wall as a powerful crucible experience that enables us to let go of those things that would cause us to be less true to ourselves, less intimately connected to both the Divine and humanity at large, and more open to the calling of humility, creativity, wisdom, inspiration, and true leadership-- a kind of eldership “role” (although role is an inadequate word as it is more about presence).
The Wall is deeply painful and private. Often including, “I can’t believe this has happened, why did God allow this, I am not sure I will survive intact”, a kind of earth-shaking sense of loss, emotion, fear, and loneliness. Yet there are glimpses that God is at work in the darkness and these glimpses of Glory give glimmers of hope.
The Wall offers the opportunity to let go of the artificial supports and self images that have seemed critical to our identity and that have protected us from the fears of being seen and/or unseen. It is the place for the reinstatement of a healthy community, mature ego, and calling.
The Wall is the pathway that invites us to reconsider everything while not stagnating in cycles of self-reflection. It is an enigma because as we encounter and even embrace more of our own “dark side” and appreciate our unique beauty and strength, we are set free from focusing on self and able to truly see others, and create places of belonging rather than seek places where we can fit in or change ourselves. What seemed big before is now small and vice versa.
Learning more about the Wall and The Critical Journey
For further understanding and more stories of the healing process, see the Wall chapters in The Critical Journey (chapters 7 and 13). The whole book, which illustrates six stages of faith and the Wall, is described in more detail on my website under the books tab. Please use anything that is helpful.
My website is: www.janethagberg.com and my book, Who Are You God? Suffering and Intimacy with God (especially chapters 1,2,4,6,8,10,11) illustrate the healing process and ways to change ones image of God. This is available in print or as a download on Amazon.
Part one of this book Approaching the Wall
Part two of this book Embracing the Wall