“How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?”part 4
How do I know when I’ve mended my broken heart?
Along the way on this mending of hearts journey a dear friend asked me the question, “How do
I know when I’m healed?”
Indeed, “How do I know when I’m healed?”
This is such an important question, and the answers are complex. It is vital not to trivialize
suffering by citing sure solutions or trying to console others or ourselves when suffering is still
close at hand. And do we ever fully heal this side of the veil? Perhaps we carry at least a
memory or a scar of our suffering as a reminder of its presence and its effect on us. I call that
eternal vigilance. Our bodies hold the memory of our heartbreaks, even as our souls and minds
are mended.
So be kind to yourself as you read this essay. Be compassionate. Carry your remaining sadness
gently. Give yourself time to be present to your pain and your healing --and to the joy that may
emerge with the process of mending.
With those reminders in mind, let’s start with a wise blessing from the poet/priest John
O’Donohue that may provide a grounded start to our musings about knowing when healing
happens.
For Suffering
May you be blessed in the holy names of those
Who, without knowing it,
Help to carry and lighten your pain.
May you know serenity
When you are called
To enter the house of suffering.
May a window of light always surprise you.
May you be granted the wisdom
To avoid false resistance;
When suffering knocks on the door of your life,
May you glimpse its eventual gifts.
May you be able to receive the fruits of suffering.
May memory bless and protect you
With the hard-earned light of past travail;
To remind you that you have survived before
And though the darkness now is deep,
You will soon see approaching light.
May the grace of time heal your wounds.
May you know that though the storm might rage,
Not a hair of your head will be harmed.
John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings
I’ve asked several people who have done significant healing and mending how they know
within their hearts that they’ve healed or mended. Here is a compilation of the most cogent
answers. May one or two or many of them land softly on your heart so you know that you too,
have had healing, no matter where you are on the journey and what more you feel needs
mending. The very last section is about one of the deepest revelations of the wounding and
mending process. The gift of the experience. May it be so for all of us…
So, how may we know that we are healed within ourselves?
We feel no blame or shame towards ourselves or others, nor do we see ourselves as victims.
We experience inner tranquility, feeling comfortable or confident with ourselves.
We feel loving detachment from the person who hurt us and from the outcomes of the
situation, or even gentle release from the person we’ve lost .
We experience a general diminishment of fear or hurt or grief in our lives. In fact, even the
pain surfaces with less frequency, intensity, and impact.
We view the other person or the organization without fear or a strong outward reaction.
We don’t have frightening dreams of the person or the organization anymore.
We speak of them without revenge or fueling our anger.
We are more vulnerable yet safe with people who are like the one who hurt us .
We forgive the person, event, or organization that hurt us.
We forgive ourselves for whatever was instrumental in our compliance in the situation.
We wish them well, even in the depths of our heart.
We pray for their highest good and for a healed and blessed heart.
We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are unconditionally loved by the Holy.
We experience inner freedom from the imprisonment of the situation or event.
We know, embrace, and can manage our own inner issues. These would include
our addictions, our self-medicating behaviors and our shadows.
So, how might our healing manifest itself in the larger world?
We share the story of our hurt publicly without shame, and perhaps as a way to illustrate
our healing process. And we know when to move beyond telling it.
We have a desire to help heal others who have had similar experiences.
We encounter those who hurt us without panic but with firm resolve to stay safe and
grounded in our mending, even leaving when necessary.
When we experience similar circumstances, we know we have options in how to respond and
have a say in how people treat us.
We stay present to any current situation without hiding, while protecting ourselves with
healthy boundaries. Our safety is our major concern.
We reflect on this current experience rather than just reacting to it.
We continue to turn all who have hurt us over to God or a higher power to deal with them
instead of personally trying to deal with, change or fix them.
We remember the anniversaries of incidents or events yet not get substantially affected
by them. We notice them, perhaps with relief or new understanding.
If we do have a physical reaction to hearing painful stories or on certain dates re-experience our
pain, we have healthy self-soothing body practices to help us remain calm and free of
any debilitating emotions.
Ultimately, how is our mending a transformative experience?
This choice to mend is a leap of faith and a deepening of our experiences. Donohue says it like
this: “When suffering knocks on your door, may you glimpse its eventual gifts.” Yikes. Its gifts?
This is where it gets dicey. Suffering is not a reward, or a punishment or a goal to be reached.
And most of us never want to repeat our suffering experiences. Many would say it wasn’t worth
it, even if there is ultimately a gift involved. And I’m not suggesting that atrocities like genocide,
slavery, rape, or natural disasters are gifts to be received. These experiences deserve intense
trauma and body healing. Those events and the aftermaths are beyond the scope of this essay.
Yet in places in which we can embrace our personal experiences, usually over many years, our
suffering can slowly show itself to contain a hidden or even unbidden gift. The deepest and
wisest people through the centuries have voiced this. Teresa of Avila, a nun in the sixteenth
century who wrote a whole book about the inner life, said that “All is gift.” She wrote this
during the Inquisition in Spain, and she had Jewish lineage on her father’s side. So she knew of
what she spoke! This gift image is an ultimate healing response and not necessarily expected
but just lived into with gratitude.
What does seeing the gifts of our pain look like?
Well, we can name the gifts that came from the experience for us and note how they are transforming our lives. We may notice that the behaviors that once held us hostage are now vastly weakened. We may experience a life that more closely resembles the Beatitudes (being blessed as one of the poor in spirit, the meek, the mourners, the peaceful, the pure in heart etc). We may notice that the gifts of the spirit are
more evident. These are gifts of love, joy, patience, kindness, mercy, peace etc. We may feel
real compassion for those who have caused our suffering. We may experience new ways of
giving and receiving love from ourselves, God, and others. Even our humor about life and a
sense of God’s unique sense of humor may increase. We ultimately experience joy like a river
that never stops flowing underneath the surface of our lives.
A wise healing mentor of mine suggested that the 7A’s of recovery are helpful as well. They can
be viewed at this link. The 7A's Of Healing By Gabor Mate
So, dear reader, may we experience whatever our journey invites for our hearts to be mended
and healed. May our journey deepen our ability to have compassion for ourselves and for
others. May it bring us closer to our own heart. Closer to God’s heart. Closer to our loved ones.
And may our journey transform our lives so we can become vibrant sources of light and love in
this world. And may we experience the joy that emerges from pain well attended.
Janet Hagberg, 2023
I know when I’m healed?”
Indeed, “How do I know when I’m healed?”
This is such an important question, and the answers are complex. It is vital not to trivialize
suffering by citing sure solutions or trying to console others or ourselves when suffering is still
close at hand. And do we ever fully heal this side of the veil? Perhaps we carry at least a
memory or a scar of our suffering as a reminder of its presence and its effect on us. I call that
eternal vigilance. Our bodies hold the memory of our heartbreaks, even as our souls and minds
are mended.
So be kind to yourself as you read this essay. Be compassionate. Carry your remaining sadness
gently. Give yourself time to be present to your pain and your healing --and to the joy that may
emerge with the process of mending.
With those reminders in mind, let’s start with a wise blessing from the poet/priest John
O’Donohue that may provide a grounded start to our musings about knowing when healing
happens.
For Suffering
May you be blessed in the holy names of those
Who, without knowing it,
Help to carry and lighten your pain.
May you know serenity
When you are called
To enter the house of suffering.
May a window of light always surprise you.
May you be granted the wisdom
To avoid false resistance;
When suffering knocks on the door of your life,
May you glimpse its eventual gifts.
May you be able to receive the fruits of suffering.
May memory bless and protect you
With the hard-earned light of past travail;
To remind you that you have survived before
And though the darkness now is deep,
You will soon see approaching light.
May the grace of time heal your wounds.
May you know that though the storm might rage,
Not a hair of your head will be harmed.
John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings
I’ve asked several people who have done significant healing and mending how they know
within their hearts that they’ve healed or mended. Here is a compilation of the most cogent
answers. May one or two or many of them land softly on your heart so you know that you too,
have had healing, no matter where you are on the journey and what more you feel needs
mending. The very last section is about one of the deepest revelations of the wounding and
mending process. The gift of the experience. May it be so for all of us…
So, how may we know that we are healed within ourselves?
We feel no blame or shame towards ourselves or others, nor do we see ourselves as victims.
We experience inner tranquility, feeling comfortable or confident with ourselves.
We feel loving detachment from the person who hurt us and from the outcomes of the
situation, or even gentle release from the person we’ve lost .
We experience a general diminishment of fear or hurt or grief in our lives. In fact, even the
pain surfaces with less frequency, intensity, and impact.
We view the other person or the organization without fear or a strong outward reaction.
We don’t have frightening dreams of the person or the organization anymore.
We speak of them without revenge or fueling our anger.
We are more vulnerable yet safe with people who are like the one who hurt us .
We forgive the person, event, or organization that hurt us.
We forgive ourselves for whatever was instrumental in our compliance in the situation.
We wish them well, even in the depths of our heart.
We pray for their highest good and for a healed and blessed heart.
We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are unconditionally loved by the Holy.
We experience inner freedom from the imprisonment of the situation or event.
We know, embrace, and can manage our own inner issues. These would include
our addictions, our self-medicating behaviors and our shadows.
So, how might our healing manifest itself in the larger world?
We share the story of our hurt publicly without shame, and perhaps as a way to illustrate
our healing process. And we know when to move beyond telling it.
We have a desire to help heal others who have had similar experiences.
We encounter those who hurt us without panic but with firm resolve to stay safe and
grounded in our mending, even leaving when necessary.
When we experience similar circumstances, we know we have options in how to respond and
have a say in how people treat us.
We stay present to any current situation without hiding, while protecting ourselves with
healthy boundaries. Our safety is our major concern.
We reflect on this current experience rather than just reacting to it.
We continue to turn all who have hurt us over to God or a higher power to deal with them
instead of personally trying to deal with, change or fix them.
We remember the anniversaries of incidents or events yet not get substantially affected
by them. We notice them, perhaps with relief or new understanding.
If we do have a physical reaction to hearing painful stories or on certain dates re-experience our
pain, we have healthy self-soothing body practices to help us remain calm and free of
any debilitating emotions.
Ultimately, how is our mending a transformative experience?
This choice to mend is a leap of faith and a deepening of our experiences. Donohue says it like
this: “When suffering knocks on your door, may you glimpse its eventual gifts.” Yikes. Its gifts?
This is where it gets dicey. Suffering is not a reward, or a punishment or a goal to be reached.
And most of us never want to repeat our suffering experiences. Many would say it wasn’t worth
it, even if there is ultimately a gift involved. And I’m not suggesting that atrocities like genocide,
slavery, rape, or natural disasters are gifts to be received. These experiences deserve intense
trauma and body healing. Those events and the aftermaths are beyond the scope of this essay.
Yet in places in which we can embrace our personal experiences, usually over many years, our
suffering can slowly show itself to contain a hidden or even unbidden gift. The deepest and
wisest people through the centuries have voiced this. Teresa of Avila, a nun in the sixteenth
century who wrote a whole book about the inner life, said that “All is gift.” She wrote this
during the Inquisition in Spain, and she had Jewish lineage on her father’s side. So she knew of
what she spoke! This gift image is an ultimate healing response and not necessarily expected
but just lived into with gratitude.
What does seeing the gifts of our pain look like?
Well, we can name the gifts that came from the experience for us and note how they are transforming our lives. We may notice that the behaviors that once held us hostage are now vastly weakened. We may experience a life that more closely resembles the Beatitudes (being blessed as one of the poor in spirit, the meek, the mourners, the peaceful, the pure in heart etc). We may notice that the gifts of the spirit are
more evident. These are gifts of love, joy, patience, kindness, mercy, peace etc. We may feel
real compassion for those who have caused our suffering. We may experience new ways of
giving and receiving love from ourselves, God, and others. Even our humor about life and a
sense of God’s unique sense of humor may increase. We ultimately experience joy like a river
that never stops flowing underneath the surface of our lives.
A wise healing mentor of mine suggested that the 7A’s of recovery are helpful as well. They can
be viewed at this link. The 7A's Of Healing By Gabor Mate
So, dear reader, may we experience whatever our journey invites for our hearts to be mended
and healed. May our journey deepen our ability to have compassion for ourselves and for
others. May it bring us closer to our own heart. Closer to God’s heart. Closer to our loved ones.
And may our journey transform our lives so we can become vibrant sources of light and love in
this world. And may we experience the joy that emerges from pain well attended.
Janet Hagberg, 2023