How can I mend a broken heart - part 5
How Do I Know if I Need Healing for my Broken Heart?
What a great question to ask when on the journey of healing a broken heart. And the answers
may be different for each person. Depending on the depth of the heartbreak or the nearness of
the person who hurt us, or our own level of inner development, different triggers or signs may
help us see that it is time to make a change.
Also, there are some heartbreaks that heal like the layers of an onion, each peeled layer
perhaps adding more healing at the appropriate time. At the opposite end of the spectrum,
sometimes a wounded heart may miraculously heal with just a sentence said at the right time,
with healing intention. At times, the mere passage of time heals things, at least at some level.
So as usual, read these ideas with your own life in mind, for what may work for you. And
remember to be kind and non-judgmental towards yourself so healing may be more likely to
happen. If you are triggered by any of these ideas and feel drawn to heal, please consider
talking to a trusted friend, a spiritual director or a counselor to help you navigate the issues.
Let’s start this pondering with a poem that may help us gain perspective on our own needs for
healing. This is The Journey by Mary Oliver.
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.
What are ways we may know that we need heart healing?
*We have extra strong reactions (rage, panic, or deep hurt) to small triggering events.
*We experience repeated patterns that never get resolved. Examples are bully bosses,
manipulative friends, the same physical symptoms when around difficult people (pink eye, skin
eruptions, muscle cramps, headaches, stomach aches).
*We have upsetting, prophetic, or repeated dreams about the person or the situation that
never get resolved. Or we often wake up in the middle of the night.
*We notice that the things we used to do to cover our pain have now become more painful
than the pain itself, and we can’t seem to manage these ineffective coping strategies. Drugs,
alcohol, shopping, cluttering, sex, eating, sleeping, gambling, pornography, busyness.
*We have been in treatment for an addiction and now are confronted with finding the deeper
reason beneath our addiction, what it was covering up.
*We feel we are “walking on eggs” much of the time, afraid to change but also afraid to face
the reactions of those around us if we challenge the system.
*We have strong adverse physical or emotional reactions to a person, event, memory, place, or
organization that tells us that something deep needs to be addressed. Like throwing up on the
way to an event in which your ex-partner will be in attendance (and you know you don’t have
the flu!)
*We have unexplainable behavioral changes, undiagnosable physical symptoms, even a near
death experience. Or bouts of depression or anxiety that ask us to stop and listen. These may
be our body’s urgent attempt to wake us up to the fact that we need to attend to something in
our lives.
When am I Ready to Heal my Broken Heart?
A related question is “When am I ready to heal?” or what signs emerge when the time is ripe
for moving forward on this healing process? It is one thing to know you need to heal and quite
another to move forward with the healing. How can we know that now is the time? How is
procrastination different from waiting for the right time? When do we need an appropriate
push or how can we learn to give ourselves a little nudge? Along with that, what are some ways
these essays have suggested that we can go about healing our broken hearts and what
resources might we need to use? All these things are vital to the healing process. Ready? Let’s
go!
We’re ready to heal when…
*We feel that the risk of staying stuck (procrastination or fear) is greater than the risk to make a
change. That happens deep within us and it is like a shift that moves us to action. At times this
might include or even require a crisis that we choose not to ignore.
*We somehow know we are now healthy enough (physically, emotionally, spiritually) to look
clearly at the situations, people, or events that have caused our pain and be present to the task
of healing.
*We have enough supportive people and organizations around us to make the changes. We
allow or invite our counselors or friends to nudge us to take some risks or to take a next step.
*We begin releasing the pressure of the person or situation and gain some distance from it,
with either time, support, insights, or good boundaries.
*We can look beyond the raw judgments of the situation to more basic questioning or curiosity
about the person or event. Like understanding what caused the person or situation to evolve as
it did (for instance child abuse in a spouse’s early life). This might also include letting go of our
defenses and being open to unlearning or unknowing. This does not mean we learn to take the
blame. Not at all. We always need to carefully retain our safety and our voice.
*We experience an in-depth response that may surprise us. Though we still reject the abusive
behavior of the person, we may begin to compassionately love and understand the wounded
person who hurt us. We may or may not reconnect with them, but we change internally.
*We wisely use our body in the healing. An example is Bio-spiritual Focusing which is holy
listening to our bodies. Where in our body do we feel our feelings? Can we compassionately
embrace our feelings? What image, word, or memory draws us deeper into this current body
feeling?
*We feel internally that the next step is now appearing, that it matters, and that we are ready
to move. This would include knowing how to be kind enough not to put ourselves in jeopardy,
while still being ready to take a risk or two.
*We are willing to take time for solitude and silence so that issues can surface that busyness
might preclude us from seeing or feeling. Perhaps dreams may bring up issues as well. And
when these issues arise, we can welcome and befriend them rather than trying to get rid of
them or cover them up.
Speaking of befriending the pain that is threatening to undo us, there is another poem that
speaks directly to this issue. Welcoming that uninvited guest who unsettles our carefully
manicured life and offers to heal it. This guest brings messiness and a new delight into our lives.
In most cases the messiness is uninvited but, in some cases, so is the healing. That is mysterious
and complicated and beyond the scope of this essay. Let’s look at how Rumi’s poem unsettles
us yet invites us to stand at the door laughing and welcoming the messy guest.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest-house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness
comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Ways to heal, including resources for this journey
The first three essays in this series illustrated twelve different ways to heal our broken hearts. I
will list them (and several more) for you. I list them in the order they appeared in each essay.
But first, there are a few historically tried and true ways to approach deep and lasting healing.
Seeing our hurt now as a gift to help us give and receive life and love. As we use this gift it is a
step further into deeper life. Example: AA’s practice of being a sponsor for another. Or doing
the 10 th step of making a daily inventory to find current healing movement and challenge. This
is also called the Examen in which we ask daily what we are most grateful for and least grateful
for.
Understanding longstanding guides for discernment and connecting with love. An example is
the Ignatian concept of desolation and consolation. When in desolation, we can get
reconnected to love through remembering our last experience of love and consolation or
reaching out to someone who could use our love, even if we don’t want to! As we genuinely
embrace the desolation, we can just watch what happens. It may help to lovingly keep our hand
on our heart to stay more grounded in our hearts rather than in our heads.
Twelve ways, or more, to heal our broken hearts, from the heart mending essays:
Going to a grave site to have a conversation with a departed loved one.
Receiving a dream and having a dialogue with the key person in the dream.
Using body work. Messages, healing touch, Rolfing, acupuncture, trauma work.
Adopting people to replace those who have died or who have broken our heart.
Reading books that directly address the issues in our heartbreak.
Asking ancestors to help us address current people who are a lot like them.
Making a memento or a gift for someone who we are estranged from.
Telling our heartbreak story to someone who represents the person who hurt us.
Going to the source of painful memories, reframing the story that was misrepresented.
Finding our own voice, separating it from what others want it to be, even if others shame us.
Joining organizations that will help us address our own issues, so we are not alone.
Finding our unique niche in a new world in which we never thought we would be accepted.
And these are additional resources to use along with the above or as additional aids.
Using therapy and or spiritual direction. Also recovery groups or supportive friends.
Praying, solitude, spiritual images, scripture verses. Finding sanctuaries for ourselves.
Practicing rituals, mantras, journaling. Also music, podcasts, creative expressions of the issue.
Writing letters we never send or rewriting old harmful scripts.
Turning it all over to the Holy or a higher power to guide us. Watch what happens!
May we find that the journey of healing a broken heart transforms the life we were living and
changes the very trajectory of our life. No matter what our age or the nature of our heartbreak,
may we find healing. May we gain the clarity and courage to move forward with our heart
healing. And even if we were, as we all have been, the cause of someone else’s heartbreak, may
this heart healing process help us to mend and to be gentle with what it means to be human
and what it means to amend. May it be so.
Since this heart healing work invites us to visit and embrace both our own and other’s
“demons,” as well as our angels, I leave you with an evocative quote from a wise playwright,
August Wilson.
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and
forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.“
Janet Hagberg, 2023. Please pass this along.
may be different for each person. Depending on the depth of the heartbreak or the nearness of
the person who hurt us, or our own level of inner development, different triggers or signs may
help us see that it is time to make a change.
Also, there are some heartbreaks that heal like the layers of an onion, each peeled layer
perhaps adding more healing at the appropriate time. At the opposite end of the spectrum,
sometimes a wounded heart may miraculously heal with just a sentence said at the right time,
with healing intention. At times, the mere passage of time heals things, at least at some level.
So as usual, read these ideas with your own life in mind, for what may work for you. And
remember to be kind and non-judgmental towards yourself so healing may be more likely to
happen. If you are triggered by any of these ideas and feel drawn to heal, please consider
talking to a trusted friend, a spiritual director or a counselor to help you navigate the issues.
Let’s start this pondering with a poem that may help us gain perspective on our own needs for
healing. This is The Journey by Mary Oliver.
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.
What are ways we may know that we need heart healing?
*We have extra strong reactions (rage, panic, or deep hurt) to small triggering events.
*We experience repeated patterns that never get resolved. Examples are bully bosses,
manipulative friends, the same physical symptoms when around difficult people (pink eye, skin
eruptions, muscle cramps, headaches, stomach aches).
*We have upsetting, prophetic, or repeated dreams about the person or the situation that
never get resolved. Or we often wake up in the middle of the night.
*We notice that the things we used to do to cover our pain have now become more painful
than the pain itself, and we can’t seem to manage these ineffective coping strategies. Drugs,
alcohol, shopping, cluttering, sex, eating, sleeping, gambling, pornography, busyness.
*We have been in treatment for an addiction and now are confronted with finding the deeper
reason beneath our addiction, what it was covering up.
*We feel we are “walking on eggs” much of the time, afraid to change but also afraid to face
the reactions of those around us if we challenge the system.
*We have strong adverse physical or emotional reactions to a person, event, memory, place, or
organization that tells us that something deep needs to be addressed. Like throwing up on the
way to an event in which your ex-partner will be in attendance (and you know you don’t have
the flu!)
*We have unexplainable behavioral changes, undiagnosable physical symptoms, even a near
death experience. Or bouts of depression or anxiety that ask us to stop and listen. These may
be our body’s urgent attempt to wake us up to the fact that we need to attend to something in
our lives.
When am I Ready to Heal my Broken Heart?
A related question is “When am I ready to heal?” or what signs emerge when the time is ripe
for moving forward on this healing process? It is one thing to know you need to heal and quite
another to move forward with the healing. How can we know that now is the time? How is
procrastination different from waiting for the right time? When do we need an appropriate
push or how can we learn to give ourselves a little nudge? Along with that, what are some ways
these essays have suggested that we can go about healing our broken hearts and what
resources might we need to use? All these things are vital to the healing process. Ready? Let’s
go!
We’re ready to heal when…
*We feel that the risk of staying stuck (procrastination or fear) is greater than the risk to make a
change. That happens deep within us and it is like a shift that moves us to action. At times this
might include or even require a crisis that we choose not to ignore.
*We somehow know we are now healthy enough (physically, emotionally, spiritually) to look
clearly at the situations, people, or events that have caused our pain and be present to the task
of healing.
*We have enough supportive people and organizations around us to make the changes. We
allow or invite our counselors or friends to nudge us to take some risks or to take a next step.
*We begin releasing the pressure of the person or situation and gain some distance from it,
with either time, support, insights, or good boundaries.
*We can look beyond the raw judgments of the situation to more basic questioning or curiosity
about the person or event. Like understanding what caused the person or situation to evolve as
it did (for instance child abuse in a spouse’s early life). This might also include letting go of our
defenses and being open to unlearning or unknowing. This does not mean we learn to take the
blame. Not at all. We always need to carefully retain our safety and our voice.
*We experience an in-depth response that may surprise us. Though we still reject the abusive
behavior of the person, we may begin to compassionately love and understand the wounded
person who hurt us. We may or may not reconnect with them, but we change internally.
*We wisely use our body in the healing. An example is Bio-spiritual Focusing which is holy
listening to our bodies. Where in our body do we feel our feelings? Can we compassionately
embrace our feelings? What image, word, or memory draws us deeper into this current body
feeling?
*We feel internally that the next step is now appearing, that it matters, and that we are ready
to move. This would include knowing how to be kind enough not to put ourselves in jeopardy,
while still being ready to take a risk or two.
*We are willing to take time for solitude and silence so that issues can surface that busyness
might preclude us from seeing or feeling. Perhaps dreams may bring up issues as well. And
when these issues arise, we can welcome and befriend them rather than trying to get rid of
them or cover them up.
Speaking of befriending the pain that is threatening to undo us, there is another poem that
speaks directly to this issue. Welcoming that uninvited guest who unsettles our carefully
manicured life and offers to heal it. This guest brings messiness and a new delight into our lives.
In most cases the messiness is uninvited but, in some cases, so is the healing. That is mysterious
and complicated and beyond the scope of this essay. Let’s look at how Rumi’s poem unsettles
us yet invites us to stand at the door laughing and welcoming the messy guest.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest-house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness
comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Ways to heal, including resources for this journey
The first three essays in this series illustrated twelve different ways to heal our broken hearts. I
will list them (and several more) for you. I list them in the order they appeared in each essay.
But first, there are a few historically tried and true ways to approach deep and lasting healing.
Seeing our hurt now as a gift to help us give and receive life and love. As we use this gift it is a
step further into deeper life. Example: AA’s practice of being a sponsor for another. Or doing
the 10 th step of making a daily inventory to find current healing movement and challenge. This
is also called the Examen in which we ask daily what we are most grateful for and least grateful
for.
Understanding longstanding guides for discernment and connecting with love. An example is
the Ignatian concept of desolation and consolation. When in desolation, we can get
reconnected to love through remembering our last experience of love and consolation or
reaching out to someone who could use our love, even if we don’t want to! As we genuinely
embrace the desolation, we can just watch what happens. It may help to lovingly keep our hand
on our heart to stay more grounded in our hearts rather than in our heads.
Twelve ways, or more, to heal our broken hearts, from the heart mending essays:
Going to a grave site to have a conversation with a departed loved one.
Receiving a dream and having a dialogue with the key person in the dream.
Using body work. Messages, healing touch, Rolfing, acupuncture, trauma work.
Adopting people to replace those who have died or who have broken our heart.
Reading books that directly address the issues in our heartbreak.
Asking ancestors to help us address current people who are a lot like them.
Making a memento or a gift for someone who we are estranged from.
Telling our heartbreak story to someone who represents the person who hurt us.
Going to the source of painful memories, reframing the story that was misrepresented.
Finding our own voice, separating it from what others want it to be, even if others shame us.
Joining organizations that will help us address our own issues, so we are not alone.
Finding our unique niche in a new world in which we never thought we would be accepted.
And these are additional resources to use along with the above or as additional aids.
Using therapy and or spiritual direction. Also recovery groups or supportive friends.
Praying, solitude, spiritual images, scripture verses. Finding sanctuaries for ourselves.
Practicing rituals, mantras, journaling. Also music, podcasts, creative expressions of the issue.
Writing letters we never send or rewriting old harmful scripts.
Turning it all over to the Holy or a higher power to guide us. Watch what happens!
May we find that the journey of healing a broken heart transforms the life we were living and
changes the very trajectory of our life. No matter what our age or the nature of our heartbreak,
may we find healing. May we gain the clarity and courage to move forward with our heart
healing. And even if we were, as we all have been, the cause of someone else’s heartbreak, may
this heart healing process help us to mend and to be gentle with what it means to be human
and what it means to amend. May it be so.
Since this heart healing work invites us to visit and embrace both our own and other’s
“demons,” as well as our angels, I leave you with an evocative quote from a wise playwright,
August Wilson.
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and
forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.“
Janet Hagberg, 2023. Please pass this along.